Monday, May 09, 2005

Let's Hear It For The Boys

I’ve been reminded recently of the yawning chasm between the sexes when it comes to the little things in life (toilet seat etiquette), the important things in life (control of the tv remote) and the essential things in life (sport on television).

As a practicing Renaissance man, I’ve made it my mission in life to build bridges across this chasm or at least establish some kind of rudimentary communication process with tin cans and a very long piece of string. My efforts in this quest, this crusade, this pilgrimage if you will (can you tell I’m longing for a new Indiana Jones film? – I watched ‘National Treasure’ yesterday and it was pants) are not helped by rogue members of my gender who strive to keep the battle of the sexes raging until, if necessary, the twelfth of never… oh shit, I used that one the other day didn’t I?

Anyway, an example of this despicable and reprehensible behaviour hit my in-box the other day (okay it was more like three years ago but I was desperate for something to write) and shook me to my core. Of course I’d normally dispatch such bile straight to the trash and refuse point blank to give it the oxygen of blog publicity so while I would never ever condone the following, it did make me laugh out loud.

We always hear "the rules" from women. Now here are the rules from men. (N.B. these are all numbered "1" on purpose.)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

4 Comments:

At 9/5/05 1:40 am, Blogger carl said...

Bravo---but if I give this too my wife, do you have a fold-out sofa?

 
At 9/5/05 9:32 am, Blogger Neil said...

I DO have a fold-out sofa but I've lost the instructions for assembling it so we may be doing a lot of standing around scratching heads since we clearly won't be asking anyone for help or assistance.

 
At 11/5/05 6:43 am, Blogger quycksilver said...

Yeah, but didn't Columbus end up in the not just the wrong zipcode, but in the wrong part of the PLANET?

yeah, thought so.

 
At 13/5/05 4:34 pm, Blogger DC said...

neil,

good set of rules - 41 and still single ?

DC

 

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