Tuesday, June 28, 2011


I trust you're all looking forward to the annual Training Centre golf outing on Saturday and have your travel arrangements fully in hand. As a reminder, the first tee time is 11:00am and it's always prudent to get to the course a good hour beforehand to settle up your bets with the bookie and avoid the indignation of having your bacon roll eaten by me. If you're getting the train, a plentiful supply of taxis are usually available at Leuchars station to transport you the short distance to the course. However, if this turns out not to be the case, call or text me and I'll wipe the last crumbs of your breakfast off my lips and come and collect you. You're welcome.

For those of you with golf spreadsheets to update - and let's face it, who doesn't - the full* cost of your outing on Saturday will be £50.00 covering green fees, catering and prize fund donation. At £10.00 cheaper than last year, I'm sure you'll agree this represents excellent value.



*Does not include train fares, taxi fares, "choo-choo" alcohol, personal biscuit and continental cheese platters, discretionary petrol contribution for drivers, betting stakes, waitress tips, Scotrail fines, impulse flights to Amsterdam, emergency hotel rooms, late night taxis, late night buses, late night trains, late night h00kers, police bribes, tattoo removal, reconstructive surgery, firearms, tiger tranquilizer...

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

When My Girlfriend...

...said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

©Big Mac

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Post Masters Pick-Me-Up...

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over and asks...

Wife: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
Husband: "Definitely not!"
Wife: Why not? Don't you like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do."
Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Husband: Okay, okay, I'd getting married again."
Wife (looking hurt): "You would?"
Husband: *groan*
Wife: "Would you live in our house?"
Husband: "Sure, it's a great house."
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?"
Husband: "Probably, it's almost new."
Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Wife: "Would you give her my jewelery?"
Husband: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
Wife: "Would you take her golfing with you?"
Husband: "Yeah, those are always good times."
Wife: "And would she use my clubs?"
Husband: "No. She's left-handed."
Wife: *silence*
Husband: "Shit."

Thursday, March 31, 2011

March.. Spring.. Bluebirds.. Shoulder.. Tweetin'..

New month. Definitely quitting smoking today. Once I've finished this pack of ten.

It's a real b*tch trying to unravel Walkman earphones in the middle of a packed commuter train… um… I mean iPod. Obviously.

By far the best thing about my new car are the cup holders. And the fact that it ISN'T a f***ing BMW.

At the company's annual golf club dinner and prize giving counting all my medals. Also have 'free drink' vouchers to use. Gonna be messy…

Bed at 2am. Alarm at 6:56am. Golf at 8:07am. Bubble bath at 12:36pm. LLLLOOOONNNNNGGGGG afternoon nap at 1:00pm!

Michelle Williams has come a long way since 'Dawson's Creek'. Great in 'Brokeback Mountain'. Outstanding in 'Blue Valentine'. And so cute.

The air con/heating in the office is goosed. If anyone has glass needing cut, I have the perfect nipples for the job.

Up - 4:45am. Flight - 6:35am. Divert to Stansted. Covent Gdn - 10:30am. Tube f’d 6:20pm. Flight delay 2hrs. Home - 11:40pm. HATE f'n London!

WTF happened to Boots at the Gyle? It's HUGE! Can't find my moisturiser anywhere! Um… I mean hair mousse! Eh… I mean condoms. Obviously.

When you finish on a weight machine at the gym, do you ever move the pin down so the girl who's waiting thinks you're "cut"? No, me neither.

Retweet this if you know someone, or have someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone. If you don't know anyone…
(…cont) or even if you've heard of someone who doesn't know anyone, then still copy this. It's important to spread the message.

Went to see 'Animal Kingdom' tonight (think, Australian Sopranos rather than cuddly Disney theme park) and was blown away. Not literally.

Spend about 3 hours (and £57) trying to win £10 in the office Red Nose Day putting challenge. Don't say I never do my bloody bit for charity!

Early start to go play in the Eyemouth Golf Club Winter Open. Would've been more fun staying at home, shaving my head and chewing tinfoil.

Compound yesterday's misery by slogging round Castle Course in St. Andrews. Remind me never to play golf again before the clocks go forward.

Why, when I faithfully buy every new REM album touted as "the best in 10 years", am I always disappointed. Nothing has surpassed "Green".

So-called 'friend' gives me 200 duty free cigs from USA. Gonna have to quit again at month end. *shrugs shoulders in that 'no ma fault' way*

Finally got round to buying the ‘new’ Prefab Sprout album. WTF was I thinking? It’s far too cheery.

How did I miss ‘Moon’ at the movies last year? Great, great film.

Scotland's Census 2011, Question 13: What religion, religious denomination or body do you belong to? (Question is voluntary) Answer: Jedi

Oh, Sophie Raworth… Sophie, Sophie, Sophie... Or Susanna Reid? Or even Emily Maitlis? I’m torn…

No wait… Gillian Anderson photo shoot in this week’s Radio Times… is it Christmas?

Actually… I quite like the new REM album now.

NO Mrs… you cannot just "park" your f*****g BMW 4x4 in the middle of the f*****g High Street with the f*****g hazard lights on outside the nursery so that your precious, obese, buddle of f*****g joy only has 20 f*****g yards to waddle to the front door. (I realise that was WAY more than 140 characters but sometimes, there just aren't enough letters in the f*****g English language for burning issues of the day like this. F*****s!)

Somebody told me today that I'm "WAY too old to be wearing clothes with hoods". But they're wrong. Aren't they?

Monday, February 28, 2011

February... If I Was On Twitter

Up early this morning to register for the Chicago Marathon on October 9th. Paid $170 for the privilege. That better include pizza!
Barney's Version, good. Sideways, great. John Adams, brilliant. 30 Rock, awesome. Paul Giamatti is the greatest actor working today.
Never a chore to strip to your grape smugglers in the office in the middle of the work day and have a young woman rub her hands all over you.
Always a chore to get the 6.35am flight to London… on a frickin’ Friday. Still, I get to see my nephew and niece tonight.
Just watched Toy Story 3 with Tommy and Amy. They never batted an eyelid during the last 15 minutes. I was in a bit of a state.
The gym is still f*****g mobbed with New Year Resolution fatties. When exactly will they lose their resolve and go on a Happy Meal Hunt?
5 weeks till the 1st gig of the year and The Signals are sounding frickin’ awesome in rehearsal. Tea and Hobnobs are nice too. Rock ‘n roll!
Stopped smoking today.
‘The Fighter’ is great, as are Mark Whalberg and Christian Bale, but Amy Adams is very special. Reminds me of someone. So I totally would…
‘Work’ from home to pack my holiday pants, watch ‘Loose Women’ at the gym and get a blood pressure check at the doctors. It was high!
Off to Spain with Chomp, Pooch and Pooch Senior for a long weekend of golf. Up at 6:30am, get to bed at 2am, pished. Result!
Great golf day. Sun shining in a clear blue sky. Shoot 76 and win 7&5.
What is it with the Spanish and f***ing goat’s cheese? ENOUGH!
By far the best thing about 'True Grit' is the dialogue. "You give out very little sugar with your pronouncements." Poetry.
Round at Dave’s tonight to eat nachos, talk golf trips, play poker and lose money.
@GillianAnderson Restraining order? Was that really necessary? After everything we’ve shared together? In my mind.
Stopped smoking (again) today.
Doug: “I''ve almost finished writing a new song for the band." Band (hot tea now running down their noses): “But you're the drummer!"
‘Paul’ is quite a funny film. Just not funny enough. The girl’s pretty cute though.
Exciting new musical duo The Dixie Chaps rehearse their inimitable Americanafolkcountryrock stylings ahead of their first ever gig in April.
Tried a 'sprint' from the car park to the door of the office to avoid the rain. Next time I'm choosing 'get wet' instead of 'cough up lung'.
“Do you have Bullseye from Toy Story?” “Sorry sir, we don’t.” “How about those Tron suits in adult sizes?” “We’re closing now sir.”
Stunning golf day at Dundonald near Troon. Weather-wise.
If you watch '127 Hours' backwards, it's an uplifting story about a disabled man who finds an arm in the desert.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

In Case You Ever Wondered...

... this is EXACTLY what it's like to be in a band.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

3:00am... 18/12/10...

Who says there's nothing to do on long motorway journeys?

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Snow & The X Factor...

...what rich f*****g lives we lead.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Your Dad'll Blog About How Comfortable He Is...

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Ooh Baby, Give Me One More Chance...

Friday, October 01, 2010

Something For The Weekend 52

Milk? Check. Coffee? Check. Rolls? Check. Bacon? Check. Beer? Check. Pizza? Check. Jackie D? Check. Day off work? Check? Big Boy Pampers? Check. Let the 60-hour Sky HD Ryder Cup coverage commence. Hope the Team Europe swings are as sweet as this one...

Christ, I need a pee already!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Barenaked Ladies... And Me

One of the best live bands, ever! And I'm strangely attracted to the lumberjack shirts. Weird.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Ingredients £8.92...

...making your sister eat your frittata di spaghetti con rucola... priceless.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Why I Don't Run Anymore...

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Happiness Is...

Monday, May 31, 2010


Jetlag, pizza, hydration, sleep, toilet, sleep, toilet, sleep, bank holiday, golf - Ladybank - 69 - WIN!- WTF?, break-up (sad), work (pish), pub (good), grasscutting, golf (pish), golf (unspeakably pisher)…

band practice (rusty), work, tv, sleep, boys July golf booked, work, tv, ironing, sleep, golf (pish… a new low), new Justin Currie album (tremendous), first date (fantastic), golf - 72 - WIN! - WTF?, X-Files dvd *sigh*, golf...

band practice (new snare drum, f*ck me that's loud), 'work' from home, catch-up lunch, golf, work late (f*ck!), work late (F****CK!), new John Mayer album (exactly like the last John Mayer album... in a good way), Crowded House gig (surprisingly rockin'), Signals gig (unsurprisingly ROCKIN'), house clean hoover thingy, scorching weather, candles (‘beach walk’) second date @ Justin Currie gig (phenomenal), Häagen-Dazs Strawberry Cheesecake (oh yeah!), golf, bath (ginseng & black pepper)…

5am – ‘Lost’ finale – WTF?, band practice (almost there), golf, 'work' from home, hailstones - WTF?, golf, 'work' from home, grow beard (grey) golf, shave beard, third date (does the adjective exist that means "better than 'phenomenal'"?), Signals gig (you just can't play loud enough and fast enough for cokeheads), bank holiday, golf – Archerfield – swanky – DON’T win – WTF?, band practice (yeah baby!), bath (jasmine and chamomile… and a Nokia phone, F******CK!!!)…

That was May,

Blown away,

What else do I have to say,

We didn’t start the fire…

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Ever Felt Like This At Work?

Christ, I need my holiday next week...

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Why I Don't Write Anymore...

24 - The dialogue is awful, the story's the same as the last seven seasons and I keep waiting for Leslie Neilson to appear with some dead pan conversation with Jack Bauer along the lines of, "Manhattan's gonna blow? Surely you can't be serious?" "I AM serious... and don't call me Shirley." I'm only watching to see lovely Renee Walker.
FlashForward - utter p*sh... I'm only watching 'cause the fateful future date is my birthday.
Heroes - gets worse every week... I'm only watching in the hope that little Claire Bear goes on SPRING BREAK WOO HOO with her college 'room mate'.
Damages - I have no idea why I watch this... but I do.
Mad Men - from the makers of The Sopranos, very very cool. Looks great and gets better every year.
Lost - still rivetting, despite the loss of lovely Juliette.
Fringe - Pacey Witter meets Dana Scully, what's not to like?
True Blood - From the makers of Six Feet Under, utter class. Friends don't let friends drink friends.
Dexter - can't wait for season 4.
Burn Notice - makes Miami look cool. And it's funny.
Caprica - from the makers of Battlestar Gallactica, frackin' awesome.
In Treatment - slow burning class.
The Daily Show - consistently outstanding. Funny AND thought provoking.
30 Rock - I love Liz Lemon.
The Office Season 4 - Better than the original? I love Pam... but why are we so far behind the States?
Modern Family - subtly brilliant.
How I Met Your Mother - unfairly compared to Friends and sometimes too clever for it's own good but Barney Stinson is a God.
Cougar Town - Courtney Cox + funny = promising.
...and from the category entitled "It's My Time Of The Month, So Shoot Me"
Desperate Housewives - strangely addictive this year
The Good Wife - running out of patience for Carol Hathaway to show something other than 'Mom Keeping It Together'.
Brothers & Sisters - whiney, whiney, whiney... but it's from the makers of 'thirty something' so I'm hoping Hope will appear sometime soon, hopefully.
Grey's Anatomy - c'mon, it's fantastic... or will be once again if Izzy leaves and never comes back.
Thank God for Tivo.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Perfect End To A Perfect Week...

Ring, Ring... Ring, Ring...

Neil: "Hello?"
Mother: "Eh... hello... Alastair?" (Alastair is my sister Rona's husband. They live in England.)
Neil: "No, it's Neil."
Mother: "Neil? Neil who? Oh... NEIL? What are you doing down there at Rona's?"
Neil: "I'm not, I'm at home in my own living room."
Mother: "So is Rona there?"
Neil *sweet Jesus*: "No. I think you've dialled the WRONG NUMBER."
Mother: "Aah, right. But I know I pressed speed-dial no.3 and I haven't spoken to her in a while so I was hoping to..."
Neil: "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA... back the heck up there a second Fiona. Am I hearing that right? Did you just say that my telephone number is now number three on your speed-dial? THREE? What the f..."
Mother: "Sorry... you're breaking up... I'm going into a tunnel..."


Sunday, January 31, 2010

"But Now I'm Comin' To Tha Edge..."

Boot up laptop... click the thingy... put the kettle on... open the whatsit... cursor blinking... blinking... blinking... blinking... blinking... blinking... type... delete... type more... delete... have a right good scratch... type... go outside for a smoke (yeah, I know, I quit but 'Mad Men' made me start again)... blinking... blinking... blinking...

So thank God January's over. It's dark and cold and has a tendency to make me want to shave my head and chew tin foil as a cheery alternative to all the incessant weather-talk... “ooh look, it's snowing again.” Yeah, it's frickin' winter, get over it!

Of course, winter should be the perfect time for me to curtail my hectic social schedule and spend some quality time blogging about all the exciting blah, blah, blah... But I really can't be arsed, especially now that lovely Starbuck is in the “new” season of '24', the ultimate fast-food, disposable 21st century television. I mean, who would ever buy a boxset of '24' for “repeat viewing”? And surely Jack Bauer should be displaying a little more John Maclane-like self-deprecation by now, “how can the same sh*t, happen to the same guy.. um.. EIGHT times?”

So television's taking up a lot of my time at the moment (although I was obviously shaken to the core this week on hearing the devastating news that 'Ugly Betty's' been cancelled) but I have found time to ponder other crucial issues, like...

Who the f*ck was the sadistic b*stard who invented the little square corner on a packet of bacon? You know the one I mean? The little square corner that winks at you and says in a seductive tone, “Go on, look what I've got for you here... a handy little square corner where the plastic is stretched onto a wee flap so that you can EASILY PEEL IT BACK and enjoy all the baconly goodness in no time at all.”

So you spin the packet round and ease your newly manicured index fingernail into the corner to tease the plastic free. Initially, it parts from the flap like a *insert suitably suggestive analogy here* with only the minimum of resistance and you get yourself all excited, not only with regard to the tasty treat in store, but also at the prospect of replacing the perfectly peeled plastic in a manner which would meet all current health and safety hygiene standards. With the corner loose, it's time for the thumb to join the party, strong and proud and ready to pull the plastic back in one, full continuous, perfect, rollback. Which is exactly the moment when the g*ddamn motherf*cking b*stard thing disintegrates into a million shredded pieces and I crack one of my perfectly manicured nails as I slam the entire bacon packaging carnage onto my mock marble kitchen worktop. F*CKER! If you'd like an idea of the degree of my frustration then check out the little kid in this video who has his own bacon issues to deal with.

Anyway, it's nearly February and if you're interested (although I can't imagine who's still reading this mince), I'll be spending most of the new month over on this other blog, finally trying to write about what it's like to run a marathon. If you'd like the abbreviated version then see below.

Running a marathon is frickin' hard!!!