"But Now I'm Comin' To Tha Edge..."

Boot up laptop... click the thingy... put the kettle on... open the whatsit... cursor blinking... blinking... blinking... blinking... blinking... blinking... type... delete... type more... delete... have a right good scratch... type... go outside for a smoke (yeah, I know, I quit but 'Mad Men' made me start again)... blinking... blinking... blinking...

So thank God January's over. It's dark and cold and has a tendency to make me want to shave my head and chew tin foil as a cheery alternative to all the incessant weather-talk... “ooh look, it's snowing again.” Yeah, it's frickin' winter, get over it!

Of course, winter should be the perfect time for me to curtail my hectic social schedule and spend some quality time blogging about all the exciting blah, blah, blah... But I really can't be arsed, especially now that lovely Starbuck is in the “new” season of '24', the ultimate fast-food, disposable 21st century television. I mean, who would ever buy a boxset of '24' for “repeat viewing”? And surely Jack Bauer should be displaying a little more John Maclane-like self-deprecation by now, “how can the same sh*t, happen to the same guy.. um.. EIGHT times?”

So television's taking up a lot of my time at the moment (although I was obviously shaken to the core this week on hearing the devastating news that 'Ugly Betty's' been cancelled) but I have found time to ponder other crucial issues, like...

Who the f*ck was the sadistic b*stard who invented the little square corner on a packet of bacon? You know the one I mean? The little square corner that winks at you and says in a seductive tone, “Go on, look what I've got for you here... a handy little square corner where the plastic is stretched onto a wee flap so that you can EASILY PEEL IT BACK and enjoy all the baconly goodness in no time at all.”

So you spin the packet round and ease your newly manicured index fingernail into the corner to tease the plastic free. Initially, it parts from the flap like a *insert suitably suggestive analogy here* with only the minimum of resistance and you get yourself all excited, not only with regard to the tasty treat in store, but also at the prospect of replacing the perfectly peeled plastic in a manner which would meet all current health and safety hygiene standards. With the corner loose, it's time for the thumb to join the party, strong and proud and ready to pull the plastic back in one, full continuous, perfect, rollback. Which is exactly the moment when the g*ddamn motherf*cking b*stard thing disintegrates into a million shredded pieces and I crack one of my perfectly manicured nails as I slam the entire bacon packaging carnage onto my mock marble kitchen worktop. F*CKER! If you'd like an idea of the degree of my frustration then check out the little kid in this video who has his own bacon issues to deal with.

Anyway, it's nearly February and if you're interested (although I can't imagine who's still reading this mince), I'll be spending most of the new month over on this other blog, finally trying to write about what it's like to run a marathon. If you'd like the abbreviated version then see below.

Running a marathon is frickin' hard!!!

Merry Christmas

Dear Dave... saw this and thought of you.

Something For The Weekend 51

Dear Dave,

How the hell are you mate? It’s certainly been a while since we spoke / drank / scrapbooked together and I trust this finds you and your lovely new wife *sigh* in good health and humour. I know I’ve been highly remiss in writing to you lately, and I could offer a bunch of inappropriate excuses such as chair-spinning (I have a chair that goes round. I like to “spin” on it. A LOT.) or cat-spooking (f*cking cat next door used to p*ss on my lawn... but no more... not since the I “tooled up” up with the “catzooka”, or “water pistol”, as the guy in the store feebly described it) but the truth is that I just got lazy.

It’s not my fault of course. It’s The Facebook, with its seductive charms and utterly riveting insights about what life’s like tending a farm or running a cake shop or carrying out a hit on the Calzone family. I’ve tried many times to break free of its whorish clutches but every time I roll off the couch with the intention of sitting upright and writing something more comprehensive, The Facebook is standing there in the doorway, dressed only in the skimpiest of home pages and flashing it’s cute little box, big enough for just a couple of sentences and a flirty semi-colon or two. Slut. Too easily I succumb to her temptations, caressing my fingers across her keyboard to deliver the quick hit she craves so badly. And then I have a nap. Or a smoke.

Anyway, all of this laziness means I haven’t managed much of the upright-sitting recently, far less the outside-venturing-to-see-if-it’s-winter yet, but here are a few cultural nuggets I can “get on your radar”, as the suits in our little company love to hear themselves say so much.

Television
Lying prone on a couch for hours on end gives you a lot of time to think of all your hopes and dreams for the future, as well as contemplate your insignificant existence in this big beautiful world. But luckily, the commercials soon end and you can get back to watching ‘FlashForward’ (why the hell is it one word with a FRICKIN’ CAPITAL LETTER IN THE MIDDLE?) and decide how many weeks you’re going to endure the awful dialogue and over-earnest acting...

Culturally Diverse Boss: “So are you trying to tell me the entire world lost consciousness for blah blah time period and caught a glimpse of their future in six months time?”
Angsty Special Agent: “Crazy as it sounds...” *cue, smell-the-fart acting* “...yeah!”

It’s a great premise and I’m really only sticking with it because the future date that everyone’s so hung up about – April 29th 2010 – is my birthday. On which date, by the way, I know exactly where I’ll be and what I’ll be doing... Orlando, Florida celebrating with Team Edge having just successfully retained the MB Cup. I know you know what THAT’S like... *sigh*... ah, Myrtle Beach.

Anyway, if you’re not caught up in the FF hype, check out '30 Rock' on Comedy Central, by far the best show on tv.

Movies
“Up”... Pixar... 3D... awesome! Says it all...

Music
I haven’t invested in much new music in the past few months but when I was in Texas recently (did I mention I went to Texas? Golf, Beer, Barbeque, Football, Cookie Crunch... fantastic!) I picked up the latest Wilco album called, curiously, “Wilco (the album)”. They’re a kind of Crowded House from Chicago and although I’ve found some of their earlier efforts, frankly, unlistenable (the rehab years?) this album’s pretty good. Here’s a sample called, curiously, “Wilco (the song)”.

Gigs
Finally Dave, the only thing you really need to know about this coming weekend is that The Signals are back and will be playing live at Behind The Wall in Falkirk on Saturday night, ploughing their own unique brand of both rock and roll. The band are in good shape – “round” is a shape, right? – and are looking forward to another epic two and a half hour show, including some previously unheard material. On a personal note, I shall be wearing a previously unseen pair of very cool Texan cowboy boots which I’m hoping will go well my denim M&S waistcoat and large sombrero from the 1980 High School trip to Tarragona. All I need now is a pair of arseless leather chaps and I’ll finally be able to add Erasure’s catchy “Oh, L’amour” to the set list. Which reminds me... can I borrow yours?

Cheers,

Edge

Shameless And Unapologetic Post...

...backdated to last month so that 'October 2009' appears in the list of months further down the right hand side of this page. I like things neat. Sue me.

Facebook Makes You Laz...

Coming soon... *sigh*... probably...

Don't Try This At Home

I’ve always considered it my civic duty to teach those younger than myself about the dangers of rock ‘n roll excess; a “passing of the torch”, if you will, in a responsible and loving manner, similar to the “schooling” I received during those long heavenly summers at Neverland Ranch.

So I continue that tradition today with a lesson in stagecraft; the art of bustin' some moves and navigating safely through a powerhouse, rock ‘n roll performance without falling foul of the many electrical and mechanical pitfalls that lie in wait all over the “performance space” – or “stage” – so you can safely make it to the end of the show and retire to the green room for 12 hours of non-stop hooker groupies and crack cocaine.

To illustrate my point, I offer the following short, instructional video which some may find disturbing – not least because I really should’ve worn blue jeans with that t-shirt – and I’d caution anyone to have at least 25 years of live shows under their (increasingly widening) belt before even thinking about attempting these stage moves. Also, under instructions from my legal team, I have to point out that these moves have been copyrighted so if you’re caught attempting them without my express written permission, you’ll have a world of litigatiousness pain rainin’ down on yo ass.

So here we have The Signals performing their own catchy composition “Not Such A Lonely Place” – an homage to my many formative years spent locked in the “family playroom”, or “cellar” – at the climax of last week’s “unf*ckingbelievable” (Falkirk Herald) performance at the Grangemouth Homecoming Music Festival. The two distinctive stagecraft moves you’re looking out for are:

(i) Old Man Kicks Football Back To Youngsters In The Park™
Appearing at 2 minutes, 32 seconds into the song, the trick with this move is to execute it with what would normally be your non-kicking foot so as to exude the maximum amount of sexy old man coolness. Also, make sure you time it properly in tandem with a big crash cymbal crescendo because otherwise you end up looking like a bit of a dick.

(ii) Jumping Over An After-Eight In A Single Bound™
Always difficult to nail to the satisfaction of the East German judges, this performance-ending finalé spectacular will leave the audience with jaws agape, scarcely able to believe their watering eyes at what they’ve just witnessed. A word of warning though, if you’ve run a marathon during the preceding six months and have received the somewhat troubling medical news that your knees are “totally f*cked beyond all anatomic recognition”, you may find yourself having to shuffle to the front of the stage to say your final goodbyes, grasping for the microphone stand for support whilst flashing your beaming, honest-that-didnae-hurt-a-bit smile.

Rock on…

The Signals Live 'On Tour'

Tonight, The Signals kick off a whistle-stop, two-date tour of the UK beginning with a triumphant homecoming gig in their old home town of Falkirk. Full details (and by ‘full’, read ‘the same’) of the schedule can be found here at the band’s website but here's all you need to know... other than the fact that I'll be wearing black.

Friday August 7th, Behind The Wall, Falkirk, 9:30pm

Saturday August 8th, Grangemouth Homecoming Music Festival, 1:00pm

It goes without saying that it’s gonna be a lung-bursting, pants-wetting weekend because frankly, the band are playing better than ever. But don’t just take my word for it… it’s all over the national press.

Meantime, here’s a little music interlude from a barenaked lady to celebrate today’s date.

See you out there ‘on the road’.

Top Ten Friendship Dealbreakers

10. Toilet rolls ‘mounted’ with the flap down the back.

9. Milk in the cup BEFORE the tea gets poured.

8. Mushrooms on a pizza.

7. Goats cheese on a pizza.

6. Beer with “light” (lite?) on the label.

5. Male friend who says ‘yes’ to your token gesture offer of sharing your umbrella.

4. Female friend who doesn’t offer to share her umbrella because “I just straightened my hair.”

3. Girlfriend who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want.” No XBox for you this year then love…

2. Smoking in bed. During sex.

1. Incorrect punctuation and grammar in a text message. W. T. F. ???

Won't Get Fooled Again

I’ve never watched CSI Miami – apart from these fantastic, endless Caruso one liners – but the review of tonight’s episode in the Radio Times made me laugh out loud.

CSI: Miami 9:00pm Five
You have to hand it to the Miami Dade crime lab: their detective work is painstaking. At one stage in tonight’s case they discover that the petrol that burnt their victim to death on a beach contained something called toluene. Eric is right onto it: “I’ll run a search for local stations that use toluene as a gasoline addictive,” he says.

Hmm, you think, how’s he going to do that? Answer: he types his word “toluene” into his internet search engine (hotdig.info) and it brings up a picture of the garage. Brilliant! With a search engine like that Sherlock Holmes could have typed “big dog” and saved a lot of trouble catching the hound of the Baskervilles.

Something For The Weekend - Special Edition

Dear Dave,

Today is your wedding day so I’m guessing you won’t really have time this afternoon to join me in the back row of Cineworld for “Ice Age 3: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs”? It’s freakin’ 3D dude!

Oh well, I’m sure instead you’ll be an ocean of calm, quietly mulling over the vows of tender devotion and c.. c.. com.. comitm.. commytm.. promise that you wrote yourself after taking inspiration from your favourite classic literature… “And I love you too Blue House,” said Bear…

As a renowned marriage “expert” (from the Latin ‘ex’ meaning “formerly” and ‘pert’ meaning “had a girlfriend”) I feel it’s only fair that I share some of my worldly wisdom with you so that you and your new bride (not that Lyn is in any way replacing any ‘old’ bride… although clearly, the “ceremony” we attended at sunset in Myrtle Beach ‘03 means nothing to you now) have many happy years of happiness and what not together in the future.

(i) Always make her breakfast at the weekend. If the ingredients come from the far-off, mystical land of Canadia, even better. Bacon, maple syrup and pancakes (especially M&S’s raisin and maple pancakes which has the freakin’ maple ALREADY BAKED IN) are the holy trinity that hit the spot… oh yeah, right there baby…

(ii) Research gifts thoroughly. I once suggested to my Dad that he buy my Mum an electric carving knife for Christmas because “she’d like it and it would help her out a lot around the house”. I couldn’t see any down side… I mean, it’s a knife… an ELECTRIC knife that you plug in… and it literally carves all by itself… which would free up valuable minutes in her day to rustle me up a few Findus crispy pancakes. Granted, I was a lot younger at the time – 37, I think – but I couldn’t understand why my Dad spat out his tea at the suggestion and then performed a very uncomfortable-looking crossing and uncrossing of his legs manoeuvre. Later on of course, I learned that if you’re going to give a woman something electrical, make sure it’s a gift that brings HER pleasure and can’t be used to cut your bollocks off. A microwave perhaps…

So there you have it Dave, display your prominence in the kitchen (*sighs*.. oh Myrtle Beach...) and get her stuff she actually likes... the only two things you have to remember for a long and fruitful marriage. Although now that I think about it, there might have been one other thing about a toilet seat but honestly, who really gives a crap whether it’s up or down.

It only remains for me to tell you that I’ve splashed out on a new outfit for your wedding reception this evening (and by ‘outfit’ I mean of course, socks and a tie… would they be sufficient on their own I wonder?) and I’m more than a little excited at the prospect of a buffet consisting of.. OMG.. stovies and bacon rolls. Awesome! Looking forward to seeing you later and I hope you both have a wonderful day. Oh, and remember to thank the bridesmaids in your speech… I think that’s traditional if they managed to ‘look after’ your fiancé on her hen night... Pimms, PJs, pillow fights… *sighs*.. oh Myrtle Beach…

Cheers,

Edge

Something For The Weekend 50

OMG, OMG, OMG… Dave, it’s finally here… your big stag weekend antiquing in the Lake District with all the boys. If I can stop my excited (and perfectly moisturised) hands clapping together furiously for just a second, I’ll tell you how giddy I feel at the prosp… huh?... what was that?... we’re NOT now “going down south” and instead will be eating and drinking in Edinburgh tomorrow night until we blow chunks? *Hummpphh* Well okay then, but don’t expect me to wear the white Paul Smith jacket ‘cause some of those other boys are such uncouth ruffians and have no appreciation for quality silk tailoring so I don’t want it to end up with any stains in case I need to wear it again up the country park later in the week.

Anyhoo… there’s not much happening elsewhere at the moment as my life is full of golf, golf and more golf. (Although for the first time ever, I soaked some crumpets in egg this morning and fried them up real nice for an unforgettable breakfast experience.) In fact I played so much golf last week that I ended up winning a big shiny trophy on Sunday afternoon. Nice isn’t it? Takes a lot of polishing though so let me know if you’d like to help me out with that sometime.

In terms of cultural recommendations, I don’t have a lot to direct your attention towards since I’ve not really watched much television lately or listened to any music and I haven’t been to the movies since Star Trek. However, I’m enjoying Talk Sport on the radio as I drive to and from work and on Sunday evening I will be going to the theatre in Glasgow (that’s right, Glasgow has theatres) to see master illusionist and international man of mystery, Derren Brown. Let’s just hope I don’t get forced to go on stage and end up being hypnotised into thinking I’m some kind of middle-aged loser who has to spend every weekend alphabetising his soup tins because he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Because that would be awful.

Sooooo… I’m very much looking forward to catching up with you and the boys tomorrow evening but if I don’t appear to be at my most jovial, it’s because I’m a bit concerned about some of the news emerging from the Middle East at the moment. I know President Obama was there this week rolling out his new “We're Good Guys, Honest” charm offensive but I see trouble brewing on the horizon following the news that authorities in Dubai have refused to broadcast The Flintstones on television. A spokesman is claiming that people in Dubai won’t understand the humour, despite the fact that those in Abu Dhabi do. Arabia, eh… such a complicated and multi-faceted set of religious and sociological predicaments to resolve.

And on that cheery note, have a great weekend.

Cheers, Edge

Something For The Wee... Not Really

Sorry Dave… I got nothing for you today ‘cause I’m crazy busy playing golf at the moment (five days in a row this week) and can’t even find a minute to catch up with all the episodes of ‘Loose Women’ I’ve recorded. Got a similar schedule next week but will definitely be striving to restore normal service for you on Friday before the first of your many forthcoming big weekends.

You’d think I’d be able to sleep better with all this exercise I’m getting but birdsong and bright sunlight and late night kebabs all seem to be conspiring to mess with my slumber. This morning I awoke with a start because I thought I could hear the vegetables in my fridge singing Bee Gees songs. But when I went downstairs and opened the door to check, it was just the chives talking.

Anyway, have a great weekend and catch up soon.

Cheers, Edge

Something For The Weekend 49

Dear Dave,

How in the name of all that is holy and righteous with this tortured world are you doing mate? It seems like a lifetime ago since we last “broke bread” and “chewed the fat” together. If I remember rightly, it was that time in the pub when I was showing you the tender flesh of my dodgy knees and asking your advice about how best I should have them “seen to”, while all the time you were clearly suffering some ailment that made your eyes widen and caused drool to drip down your chin. Swine flu was it?

Things have calmed down a bit for me now that all the London Marathon shenanigans are over and done with (sh#t, I still haven’t updated that other blog… this weekend, I promise) and I’m well into my new regime of sitting on my fat arse with my feet up and making it fatter with tubs of “frozen yogurt”. As a result, my knees feel great.

But it’s not all ice cream-based snacking and recorded episodes of “Loose Women”. The golf season is now in full swing (brrrummm, pummm, kscchhh), lambs are hopping around in the fields and all the boys are looking forward to your wedding day in early July to find out if you plumped for the pink silk cravat rather than your Russell Crowe Gladiator outfit. Personally, I hope it’s the latter so that when the minister asks if anyone has any objection to your blessed union, I can yell, "Damn right, unleash hell!"

You’re probably in the midst of a lot of wedding decisions at the moment but if you manage to find some time in between organising your antiquing stag weekend in the Lake District, here’s some brief cultural stuff I’ve encountered recently that might be of interest.

Music
I’m really enjoying the new Doves album ‘Kingdom Of Rust’. Good songs, well written and performed. Pretty much all I’m looking for in a record really.

In contrast, I’m having a hard time with those Fleetfoxes boys despite the enthusiastic recommendation of our mutual friend Blousie. He told me their music was “a rich warm tapestry of soaring melodies and vocal harmonies that will bring joy to the soul and help end global poverty by making all the planet’s children hold hands and stick daffodils, or similar bulb-based foliage, down the barrels of the guns of all the warmongers of the world”. But to me they sound a lot like those chanting monks from a few years back and I had to turn it off when I thought they were going to break into the theme tune from Bagpuss. An acquired taste, no doubt.

Gigs
I know you’ll be getting very excited about your excursion to see Take That in Glasgow next month (tickets due in very soon) but the big gig before then is the chance to see Central Scotland’s premier music combo, The Signals, at Firkins bar in Falkirk next Thursday, May 21st. This will be a laid back, unplugged-type gig compared to more recent frantic rockin’ shows so look out your best Shetland jumper and open-toed sandles (NO socks! Please!) in case the band throw in their famous “heedrum-hoedrum-hey-nonny-nonny” folk stylings segment.

Movies
Last weekend I went to see “Star Trek”, the new Star Trek movie, and thought it was very good without being entirely blown away by too many jaw-dropping, ‘wow’ moments. The action was impressive and Simon Pegg’s Scottish accent was passable but as you well know Dave, when you embroil your plot with too many “who the f#ck’s messing with the space time continuum?” twists and turns, you’re asking for trouble. Made my brain hurt. Thankfully the lovely Uhura soothed it somewhat… she certainly had her phasers set to..*ahem*.. stun(ning)… brrrummm, pummm, kscchhh…

Televison
“Flight of The Conchords”: Find it on BBC4 and discover for yourself the joys of surreal New Zealand comedy and Allan Hendry Band-type musical genius. It’s eebsolutely feenteestic.

Anyway Dave, I hope you’re well and not stressing too much about the wedding. Come the big day, as long as you’re on time, calm, rested, sanitised, deoderised, moisturised, charming, funny, articulate, and remember everyone’s names, especially your bride’s… ‘ole whatsername… you’ll be absolutely fine.

Catch up soon.

Cheers, Edge

P.S. Will I need my Paul Smith dinner suit and matching man bag in the Lake District?

Play...

This blog is back baby… or at least it will be next month… round about the 15th… probably…

Pause...

In case you hadn’t guessed, this blog is on hold just now because at the moment I am spending all my time doing one of three things…

1. Trying to get this other blog up to date about the experience of training to run the London Marathon.

2. Sleeping in fits and starts because of all the agonising pain from training to run the London Marathon.

3. Wondering WHAT THE F#CK I was thinking trying to run the London Marathon.


The London Marathon is on Sunday April 26th so once it’s all over I will return here to do one of two things…

1. Tell you all about it and then never speak of it again.

2. Invade the internet in spiritual form to check whether my wee brother has posted the obituary I’m just about to write about myself should the London Marathon not have positive consequences for my health.

And on that cheery note, why not sponsor me for the marathon now rather than risk eternal haunting in the future. Many thanks.

www.justgiving.com/neilsutherland

Something For The Weekend 48

Dear Dave,

How are you mate? I’m really sorry it’s been a while since I last wrote, especially as I suspect that you and I are probably the last remaining people still reading this website. In fact you’ve probably been nipping out of the office to the local internet café every half hour or so recently, frantic with breathless anticipation in the hope that I’ve written something sparkly and new about/for you, haven’t you?... Dave?... Hello?... You there?... DAVE?

Of course I haven’t just been sitting around watching television and smearing myself with butterscotch Angel Delight (not during the week anyway), what with all the marathon training and the writing about the marathon training to fit into my busy schedule. And this week I had a two-day trip to London “on business” to meet our new “colleagues”, which was less of a jump-enthusiastically-on-plane-for-wee-jolly excursion and more of a get-sucked-in-by-Death-Star-tractor-beam experience.

I flew to London City “airport” with Air France, who appear to have commissioned the Memphis Belle back into service so that your flying experience has the loudest possible propeller engine noises and you can reach out the window and touch the top of Canary Wharf as it makes its final sharp turn before commencing a bombing run towards the “runway” in the middle of the bloody Thames. This also meant that the in-flight magazine was written in a strange, Elvish-looking language that I didn’t understand so I couldn’t find out what movies weren’t being shown or what menus wouldn’t be served up. C’est la vie, eh? At least I got taken out to a very fancy French restaurant yesterday for a slap up lunch, ‘Pret-A-Manager’ I think it was called. It was lovely, so much choice!

Anyway Dave, culture-wise there are only two things I want to get on your radar for a sanity check this week to see if they pass the initial sniff test before going through the constraint analysis blender. (The Death Star has a LOT of f#cking management consultants wandering about in white stormtrooper uniforms.)

1. Bruce Springsteen – ‘Working On A Dream’
Although this new album is not quite as memorable as ‘Magic’, its perfectly named predecessor from a couple of years ago, it’s still pretty damn good. So good in fact that after I’d listened to it a couple of times, I went down the Amazon and ordered another five of his back catalogue to enhance my collection. He really is the consummate songwriter. And slamming his ‘Little Boss’ into the television screens of millions of viewers during the Superbowl half-time show was pretty cool too.

2. The Signals, Live in Falkirk, Friday February 27th
Now Dave, don’t be giving me any “aw Edge man, I’ve got wedding stuff to sort out like” excuses because a week today, Falkirk’s premier rock legends will be rocking it Boss-style at Behind The Wall in Falkirk. Tell your friends and then tell both of them to tell all their friends about this unmissable musical experience. It’s not to be missed. And if you’re really lucky, we may bust a few crotch moves for you during the show as well.

Have a great weekend.

Cheers, Edge

Dear *Insert Your Name Here*

Wow, I really don’t write much on this blog anymore, do I? When I joked last time about my “regular bi-monthly updates”, I didn’t think that would actually turn out to be true. And sure, I promised to give a full account of the Soup Tins Alphabetisation project but honestly, I haven’t had time to complete it yet so for all I know the kitchen cupboard could be full of tins with labels pointing the wrong way and Tomato sitting TO THE LEFT of Lentil and.. and.. and.. f#ck.. chest.. pain.. need.. paper.. bag.. blow.. in..

Sorry about that... little ‘episode’ there... I know, I know… you’re sitting shaking your head and wondering what the hell I was thinking leaving such a crucial assignment unattended and incomplete and don’t I know that’s a visit to the emergency room waiting to happen? I’m all better now after strapping on the oxygen mask and visiting the kitchen to sort things out. Rest assured the Tomato/Lentil carnage has been rectified. But don’t get me started on the trouble I had with the Ham & Pea.

Anyway, to either of my readers who think I’ve just been idle these past four weeks let me say this in the strongest and most unequivocal terms I can muster… I have not been idle these past four weeks. In fact I have done more writing elsewhere these past four weeks than I have here for the past four months. In case you missed it – or haven’t yet received an annoying email from me begging for money – I’ve been writing on a new blog called

www.neilrunstheblog.blogspot.com

to document my experience of training for the Flora London Marathon in April this year. Go on, check it out, there’s tons of stuff there. But that, plus the actual training, is going to be keeping me quite busy for the next three months.

However, here’s a little idea that might get me writing here more often if I get some help from you. Not you, Wendi in TX, who’s idea this really is, but you, the other reader who’s probably here today thinking, “Right, I’m gonna give him one more chance but if he hasn’t provided that soup tins update, I’m off to find someone who blogs about their cat.”

Wendi got in touch with me recently asking, “How come that foppish Dave gets all your attention and you never start one of your posts ‘Dear Wendi’? If you ever do, then I’ll totally dump my Scouser boyfriend and fly out to Scotland in a heartbeat to visit you, despite these challenging economic times and the hassle of making emergency childcare arrangements.” Those might not have been her exact words but I was reading between, behind and underneath the lines so I knew what she really meant.

I often find it much easier to write here if I think of it as writing a letter to someone specific – as I do for Dave now and again – rather than just launching into a generic “you’ll never guess what my cat did this week” or “I’m so angry / happy / frustrated / glad / outraged about the whole Gaza situation - such a great footballer in the 90s” or “why oh why won’t women turn into pizzas after sex?”

So if you’d like me to ‘write you a letter’ just drop me a line or a comment to let me know (along with your name and at least a couple of details about yourself if we’ve never met) and we’ll see what we can come up with. I’m not promising a fast turnaround (because that always makes me dizzy) but with any luck the result will hopefully be a little bit me, a little bit you… as The Monkees would say.

The One With The London Marathon

Regular readers of this website may remember that last year, my youngest siblings – adorable twinnies Rona & Keith – ran the London and Chicago marathons respectively to raise money for Autism research (Rona’s beautiful wee son Tommy, pictured right, was diagnosed as autistic in 2007) and in doing so, selfishly left me as the only Sutherland child not to have achieved such a feat; my other brother Stuart ran the Glasgow marathon in the 1980s in some ridiculous time of an hour and a half. Or something.

Incredibly, and much to my eternal surprise, their efforts have inspired me to get off the couch, quit smoking, join a gym, give up drinking and do my bit to regain my rightful place as Sutherland ‘golden child’… um.. I mean help the National Autistic Society (NAS) who’ve been a wonderful source of support and guidance to Rona and her husband Al since Tommy’s diagnosis. Accordingly, I have started “training” and will be “running” the London Marathon on April 26th this year after securing a place in support of the NAS.

To give me support on the day Rona will also be running once again (she knows the route and the short cuts) and together we’ve pledged to raise as much money as we can for this fantastic charity.

I’m getting some corporate sponsorship from my company and I’m hoping to organise a big fundraising gig with The Signals during March but every donation counts, no matter how big or small. So before I start annoying you with emails later in the week (and you know that I will), why not get in early and sponsor me online now at…

www.justgiving.com/neilsutherland

Any support you can offer will be very much appreciated. If you are an available, supple, unrelated female, let’s talk about how my personal appreciation may manifest itself. The larger your donation… ;)

In return for your anticipated kindness and generosity, I have a little gift for you in the form of a BRAND NEW BLOG, in case you’d like to keep up with how my “training” is going. The site itself is still undergoing a little “construction” work (check out the complete dogs breakfast I made of the header) but the powers-that-be at neilwritestheworld want to press ahead with the launch so you can now find it open for business at…

www.neilrunstheblog.blogspot.com

Rest assured, I will still be maintaining my regular bi-monthly updates of this site so you’ll not miss a single solitary second of the action when I perform my annual alphabetisation of soup tins in the kitchen cupboard at the end of January, followed by my top ten list of 2008 naps which will be unveiled around the time of the Oscars in February. A full-on schedule, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Thank you for reading this far down and have a great week.

Neil x

Something For The Weekend 47

Dear Dave,

Happy New Year!

How are you mate? Gettin’ a bit chirpy and excitable at the prospect of seein’ me in the pub next Friday and givin’ me that New Year.. um.. ‘handshake’? Yeah, me too. It’s been a funny old start to the year in as much as I seem to be in a fairly good mood most of the time – compared to last January’s bitchin’ and moanin’ – but I guess we’ll see how long that lasts once our company is taken over and we all get thrown into the Don’t-Bother-Writin’-A-CV Death Cage and have to do some ultimate fightin’ to see who gets whatever jobs are left over. I’ve bought a new leotard in preparation. A nice purple one.

Culture-wise, I don’t have much to direct your attention to this weekend as I’m currently embroiled in two projects (three if you count the ice-cream eatin’; actually, four if you count my ongoin’ search for all the ‘g’s I seem to be droppin’) which are takin’ up a lot of my time. I’ll tell you more about one of them if you pass this way again on Monday because I’m going (hey, found ‘em!) to be doing a lot of work on it this weekend. Can’t say too much just now other than it involves a brand new blog (in addition to, not instead of, this one – let’s see how long THAT lasts) as well as multiple opportunities to see me in the absolute minimum of clothing… a bit like that heavenly week we spent in Myrtle Beach… but without all the face-stroking. Please?

The second project is music-related but surprisingly, is nothing to do with The Signals, Falkirk’s greatest ever pub rock ‘n roll band.

[Breaking News… STOP… The Signals to play Behind The Wall, Melville Street, Falkirk… STOP… Friday February 27th… STOP… Don’t miss it… STOP… More details to follow… STOP… OUT]

Before I joined The Signals in *cough* 1983, I was honoured to play a small role in the entourage of excess that was the AHB (Allan Hendry Band). We churned out a dozen or so albums in the heady, decadent 1980s, most of which are currently being digitally ‘re-mastered’, and last weekend we had a small reunion and demo session in preparation for our 2009 comeback crusade. If you’d like to view a short video showing what middle-aged men – armed with only a musical dream and access to a dressing-up box – get up to on a Saturday afternoon, please click on all these nice red words that are underlined and then scroll down a bit. You won’t be disappointed.

So that’s all from me just now Dave. Have a very pleasant weekend and looking forward to catching up with you next week.

Cheers, Edge

'Twas The Whatsit Before Thingumy...

Many thanks to all who answered the call last week and overwhelmed my mailbox clutching sweaty, hand-typed submissions for this website, eyebrows raised eagerly to the ceiling hoping they’d be picked first for the football team and not left twiddling thumbs and staring down at their black, elasticated gym shoes, stained with sherbet dip from the lucky bag they got for their birthday from their granny. (Christ, I need a cigarette; 7 weeks now.)

Obviously, we’ve now moved into Phase 2 – “Clean & Correction” – of the ten phase selection process where submissions will be made presentable for the panel of esteemed judges; those of you think a semi-colon is some kind of wanton punctuation-floozie which can be tarted around liberally without a moral thought for relevance or appropriateness need to have a long hard look at yourself. Mind you, I will just give a quick “wink” to the submittee who relayed a fascinating and descriptive account of a 4am – 5am encounter pinpointing it a “highlight of the year”. I concur and so I think it’s safe to say you’re a shoe-in… ;)

Elsewhere… well, it’s 3:30pm on Christmas Eve and I’m still working, albeit from home. This is the first time I’ve had all the proper “connectivity” to work “properly” from home and it’s fantastic – you just get so much more done at your own pace. So far today, I’ve done a wee bit of ironing, been for a “jog”, watched last night’s Christmas episode of “Lead Balloon” and eaten some left over pizza. And working from home means I can wander round the place half-naked, scratching my balls whenever I want without fear of disdain and reprimand from my work colleagues, like what I usually endure when I carry out those activities in the office.

As usual, I left all my Christmas shopping to the last minute but thankfully our family have a wonderful Secret Santa arrangement which means we don’t spend stupid amounts of money on things we don’t need and concentrate instead on getting gifts for the young children (allowing me to spend many enjoyable hours in the Early Learning Centre) and arranging one main gift for whichever “adult” we get in the Secret Santa draw. This year, I’ve even crafted part of the gift myself and without giving too much away, I’m sure my sister will love the hand-made ironing board I created out of old lightsabers and MDF. (Girls like ironing, right?)

Anyway, I think this will be the last submission here for 2008 so I hope you all have a very happy *insert politically-correct holiday descriptor here* and come back and visit in 2009 when I’ll have some news for you.