Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Top Ten Friendship Dealbreakers

10. Toilet rolls ‘mounted’ with the flap down the back.

9. Milk in the cup BEFORE the tea gets poured.

8. Mushrooms on a pizza.

7. Goats cheese on a pizza.

6. Beer with “light” (lite?) on the label.

5. Male friend who says ‘yes’ to your token gesture offer of sharing your umbrella.

4. Female friend who doesn’t offer to share her umbrella because “I just straightened my hair.”

3. Girlfriend who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want.” No XBox for you this year then love…

2. Smoking in bed. During sex.

1. Incorrect punctuation and grammar in a text message. W. T. F. ???

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Won't Get Fooled Again

I’ve never watched CSI Miami – apart from these fantastic, endless Caruso one liners – but the review of tonight’s episode in the Radio Times made me laugh out loud.

CSI: Miami 9:00pm Five
You have to hand it to the Miami Dade crime lab: their detective work is painstaking. At one stage in tonight’s case they discover that the petrol that burnt their victim to death on a beach contained something called toluene. Eric is right onto it: “I’ll run a search for local stations that use toluene as a gasoline addictive,” he says.

Hmm, you think, how’s he going to do that? Answer: he types his word “toluene” into his internet search engine ( and it brings up a picture of the garage. Brilliant! With a search engine like that Sherlock Holmes could have typed “big dog” and saved a lot of trouble catching the hound of the Baskervilles.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Something For The Weekend - Special Edition

Dear Dave,

Today is your wedding day so I’m guessing you won’t really have time this afternoon to join me in the back row of Cineworld for “Ice Age 3: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs”? It’s freakin’ 3D dude!

Oh well, I’m sure instead you’ll be an ocean of calm, quietly mulling over the vows of tender devotion and c.. c.. com.. comitm.. commytm.. promise that you wrote yourself after taking inspiration from your favourite classic literature… “And I love you too Blue House,” said Bear…

As a renowned marriage “expert” (from the Latin ‘ex’ meaning “formerly” and ‘pert’ meaning “had a girlfriend”) I feel it’s only fair that I share some of my worldly wisdom with you so that you and your new bride (not that Lyn is in any way replacing any ‘old’ bride… although clearly, the “ceremony” we attended at sunset in Myrtle Beach ‘03 means nothing to you now) have many happy years of happiness and what not together in the future.

(i) Always make her breakfast at the weekend. If the ingredients come from the far-off, mystical land of Canadia, even better. Bacon, maple syrup and pancakes (especially M&S’s raisin and maple pancakes which has the freakin’ maple ALREADY BAKED IN) are the holy trinity that hit the spot… oh yeah, right there baby…

(ii) Research gifts thoroughly. I once suggested to my Dad that he buy my Mum an electric carving knife for Christmas because “she’d like it and it would help her out a lot around the house”. I couldn’t see any down side… I mean, it’s a knife… an ELECTRIC knife that you plug in… and it literally carves all by itself… which would free up valuable minutes in her day to rustle me up a few Findus crispy pancakes. Granted, I was a lot younger at the time – 37, I think – but I couldn’t understand why my Dad spat out his tea at the suggestion and then performed a very uncomfortable-looking crossing and uncrossing of his legs manoeuvre. Later on of course, I learned that if you’re going to give a woman something electrical, make sure it’s a gift that brings HER pleasure and can’t be used to cut your bollocks off. A microwave perhaps…

So there you have it Dave, display your prominence in the kitchen (*sighs*.. oh Myrtle Beach...) and get her stuff she actually likes... the only two things you have to remember for a long and fruitful marriage. Although now that I think about it, there might have been one other thing about a toilet seat but honestly, who really gives a crap whether it’s up or down.

It only remains for me to tell you that I’ve splashed out on a new outfit for your wedding reception this evening (and by ‘outfit’ I mean of course, socks and a tie… would they be sufficient on their own I wonder?) and I’m more than a little excited at the prospect of a buffet consisting of.. OMG.. stovies and bacon rolls. Awesome! Looking forward to seeing you later and I hope you both have a wonderful day. Oh, and remember to thank the bridesmaids in your speech… I think that’s traditional if they managed to ‘look after’ your fiancé on her hen night... Pimms, PJs, pillow fights… *sighs*.. oh Myrtle Beach…