Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Drink Sangria In The Park...

Well… no… I didn’t, but the rest of the day was damn near perfect…

9:24am Wake after nine glorious hours of peaceful, unbroken sleep and realise I’m still on holiday.
9:25am Have bladder-emptying ritual of biblical proportions because of the whole nine-hour, unbroken-sleep thing.
9:32am Make delicious cup of my tea in my favourite f#ck-work-I’m-still-on-holiday mug.
9.36am Enjoy bowl of Honey Nut Corn Flakes… (singalong now) “they’re tasty, tasty, very very tasty…”
9:58am Postman arrives. No bills. No ‘pre-approved’ credit card applications. No please-save-the-orphan-lesbian-whale charity collection sacks. Just pleasant correspondence from people I actually know.
10:14am Enter shower.
10:18am ?!@~{+}*&^%$£”#;!!!!!!
10:29am Exit shower.
10:58am Pack car with golf clubs and CDs.
11:08am Slide into Dixie Chicks… CD.. select.. stereo.. player.. and.. (Not sure the syntax or grammar is quite right there?)
11:43am Arrive at golf club.
11:58am Sun comes out.
11:59am Launch 280-yard drive effortlessly down first fairway.
2:32pm Tap in final putt for two-over par round.
2:40pm Drive out of golf club as first spots of rain appear.
3:05pm Arrive in Glasgow city centre and find parking spot straight away.
3:23pm Enter Starbucks to find absolutely NO queue. Order four-shot venti caramel macchiato (extra hot) from gorgeous-smiling barista (extra hot).
3:38pm Wander down Buchanan Street and get lured into Apple store by unexplainable retailing tractor beam, so sleek and seductive that I end up wanting to marry every fixture and fitting in the place.
4:01pm Power of fiendish tractor beam broken by God as heavens open and tropical thunder storm of… um… biblical proportions explodes on Glasgow. No sh#t, I have NEVER seen or heard anything remotely like it in this country EVER before. Previously.
4:06pm Defy God and cheat death by running through flooded, electrified streets to my favourite sports shop – Greaves – to look for new Sweden away strip. They only have the home strip and I SO do not do yellow!
4:28pm Return to car just before tropical thunderstorm turns into giant hail storm… what the f…?
4:59pm Arrive at friends’ house armed with lashings of Cadbury’s chocolate buttons, some of which are for them.
5:15pm Chug on ice cold bottle of Corona.
5:58pm Tuck into second helping of delicious home-made lasagna.
7:24pm Leave for home on what turns out to be stunning, sun-kissed evening.
8:24pm Have bath.
8:50pm Get feet up and watch Man U go through to Champions League final.
10:06pm Turn computer on and have nice “chat” with lovely girl thousands of miles away.
10:39pm Wee brother calls from America and shoot breeze about all things golf-related. He’s off to see Goldfrapp in New York tonight. Now is that the one with Sean Connery or Roger Moore?
11:43pm Finish emails and writing.
11:55pm Go to bed to dream of silky golf swing, hot barista girl and what a nice day it was to turn 44 years of age.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Done, Dusted...

...the fat lady has sung, taken a bow, had a quick drink backstage with the rest of the cast, gone late-night crusin' in the vain hope of a lumber and staggered home alone save only for the drippin' kebab (large), the remnants of which will no doubt be fed to her 15 cats in the morning.

Needing only one and a half points (yesterday's estimate was wrong) out of eight singles matches today, Team Edge came stormin' home with three and a half and a winning margin of 14.5 - 9.5. Every man on the team was a hero but special mention should be made of Marty Mackenzie, the only man on either side ever to win all five matches. He will hereby only ever be referred to as "Hawaii"... gettit?

The cup comes home tomorrow. Unfortunately, so also do we. A fanf'ntastic week.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Shock And Awe

It's way too early in the morning for any kind of articulate update on the past two days but let's just say that if a fleet of Bell helicopters had swept in low off the coast armed with all manner of mass destruction devices whilst blasting out Wagner's Ride of The Valkyries, they wouldn't have unleashed the same level of unholy hell as Team Edge has.. um .. unleashed.

3-5 down after the first two days, Captain Edge - fresh from a famous late night Texas Hold 'Em triumph - announces, "Deliver a whitewash tomorrow and I'm buying the drinks all night." 16 short hours later, Team Edge delivers four devastating victories and Captain Edge has never been more pleased to remortgage his house to pick up the tab. Team Edge 7, Team Tank 5.

During the celebratory post match pasta fest that is the Macaroni Grill, Captain Edge requests, "Same again please." His team of heroes, unaware of the fact that their captain is demanding a third portion of nine-layer lasagna, take him all too literally and deliver yet another awesome whitewash of their increasingly weary foes. Team Edge 11, Team Tank 5.

With eight singles matches tomorrow (today?), we need only two and a half points for ultimate victory.

"On my signal, unleash..."

Monday, April 21, 2008

From Our US Correspondent...

Day Four Update...STOP. Team Edge 5-3 down after two golf days...STOP. Expect stormin' comeback this afternoon after day of rest yesterday where Lord's commandments strictly observed by way of shopping, theme parks, drinking, poker and drunken midnight game of American football in car park...STOP. Florida very hot... TOP. So was girl in bar who gave us gift certificates for cheap golf at exclusive course... STOP. It's tough out here but will try and get through it...STOP. OUT.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I'm Off...

…to Florida (here to be exact)… in 9 hours time… just in case you dropped by looking for some light relief and wondered why I wasn’t writing as regularly as usual!?!

Wee Man/Pooch – Will try and give you some updates on the golf. Especially if the news is good.

Everyone else in the UK – If you need any shopping done, drop me a line or leave a comment and let me know.

Everyone else in the USA – Will maybe bump into you next week?

Monday, April 14, 2008

Sleep Rona Sleep

My wee sister ran the London marathon yesterday in UNDER SIX HOURS, enduring some horrendous hail storms that finished off lesser mortals. Many thanks to all who sponsored her.

Rona - you are my hero, the veritable wind beneath my wings and I hope you’re having a well-earned sleep today.

Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever done anything non-stop for six hours… although there was that one time… with that girl in… um… eh, never mind.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Talk Rona Talk

Remember last month when I shared the email from my beautiful wee sister preparing to run the London Marathon? Well now she’s only gone and gotten herself on the radio, appearing yesterday on the BBC no less to share her story with a wider listening audience.

It was my sincere hope that the first time I posted a link on this site to hear a Sutherland on the radio, you would be taken to some BBC6 podcast of a spine-chilling performance by The Signals appearing live at Madison Square Garden. But THIS is even better.