Saturday, November 29, 2008

Free* Coldplay Ticket

I’ve just realised I have a spare ticket to go and see Coldplay at the SECC (short for ‘Big F#ckoff Cattle Shed’) in Glasgow on Tuesday December 9th. It’s a seated ticket in the front row of the section directly opposite the stage so ideal for someone who, like me, will have had a long hard day at work and really can’t be arsed standing for two hours, no matter how foot-tappin’ the music. Let me know if you’re interested.

*Free if you’re female, hot, open-minded, unrelated to me and very very bendy.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving...

…to everyone I know across the ocean who’s celebrating today. Much to my disappointment, I’ve never been across there in the colonies with you at this time of year so when you’re all sitting round the table later reading out your things-I’m-thankful-for lists, remember and add “Thank God Neil isn’t here in his Joey pants eating us out of house and home” ‘cause you know I SO would.

Me? If I had more time and energy I'd give you a long list but for now, let's just say I’m thankful your country created Dana Scully as well exciting movie trailers like this one right here. Live long and prosper.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Plug In There, Comes Out Here

Isn’t the internet great? Not only can you buy lots of cool stuff and keep in touch with all your “friends”, but you can also watch videos of monkeys sticking fingers up their bums, sniffing them and then keeling over. Hilarious!

Talking of which, a mere 12 hours or so after The Signals walked (shuffled? moseyed? ran to the waiting limos?) off stage at last night’s charity gig, I now bring you a little taste of what you missed if you weren’t one of the many ‘young people’ who packed the hall, jaws agape at the sight of four old men in a band.

As you’ll see from the no-expense-spared title sequence, this is a rockin’ cover version of Stereophonics ‘Local Boy In A Photograph’ but watch for the bit in the middle where we also perform our much-copied but never matched, horizontal levitation manoeuvre. There’s not many bands who can multi task to that degree, I can tell you. And many thanks to Michelle for filming in a manner much more professional than was achieved by last year’s f#ckwits.


Oh, and keep Sunday December 21st free in your diaries…

Friday, November 14, 2008

A Wee Reminder...

…that The Signals will be leaving their assisted living communities later today and will be live on stage in the flesh this evening at a venue near you as long as you’re in the vicinity of the North Broomage Social Club in Larbert, near Falkirk, half way between Edinburgh and Glasgow, in Scotland. As a wee a taster, I can reveal that the all-new, 2008 version of this rockin’ blues number will feature in the set, together with some other songs… and perhaps some juggling… and a topless drummer.

So ditch any plans you might have to go and see the new James Bond movie tonight (it’ll be out on dvd by Christmas anyway) because I went to see it on Wednesday and, other than the hot babe, the only holy-f#ck-jump-out-of-my-seat moment was when this adrenaline-fuelled ad was shown beforehand. I really don't do heights...

Have a pleasant weekend. Doing anything nice?

Monday, November 10, 2008

Don't You Forget About Me...

Until I finish sorting through (and then filing in strict alphabetical order) the huge pile of suggestions I’ve received from all you ladies out there as to what I might better be doing with my hands and lips since I quit smoking last week, I’ve had to keep myself busy over this first non-smoking weekend. So on Saturday I went out to get a haircut in the morning and then I spent the whole afternoon playing with myself. On a website called

Yearbooks were one of the many things I used to envy about life in American High Schools – spending Saturdays in the library with Molly Ringwald being the other principle one. Cameras, having not long been invented, were a bit pricey when I was at High School so I have very little photographic record of just how cool and not-at-all awkward I no doubt was during my six years there.

The premise of the website is pretty straightforward although using it was a total pain. Upload a photo, select a year from 1950 - 2000, choose a local ‘mall’ so you can be prompted with shopping suggestions while you’re going along (wtf?), shoogle the photo about a bit, hit ‘save’, type your password five bloody times, hit ‘save’ again, do the hokey-pokey, and hey bingo, you’ve got your own yearbook photos and with it, the chance you’ve always dreamt about… going to the prom with Andrew McCarthy.

Anyway, the resultant photos are shown below for your amusement together with some additional observations explaining why they freaked me out somewhat.

1964 – This is the year I was born. Having always been told that I looked like my Mum, I think this photo makes me look EXACTLY like my Dad.

1976 – This is the year I started High School. I could swear that I have that exact same haircut and polo neck in a photo from that year.

1988 – This is me during my run in the hit tv comedy ‘Family Ties’. Ho ho ho, just kidding, but all Michael J Fox references aside, turn the hair blond and this is what I probably looked like in 1988.

1994 – I’ve always been told that I resemble my sister rather than my two brothers but OMG, I think I look exactly like my brother Stuart (web genius who’s still available for all manner of freelance work) in this photo.

So hours of fun to be had by all, but one final thought for my good friend Dave... you know how you’ve spent a lifetime with the frustrating feeling that you were born into somebody else’s “skin” and are saving up your pennies to have the “procedure” to become the “person” you always wanted to be? Well, not that I tried it or anything but apparently if you want a “heads-up” on how the “procedure” might turn out, you can upload your photo into some female templates also. Selecting a completely random example at random, if you wanted to see how you’d look with some impressively mighty, backcombed 80s hair, you could so totally do that. Apparently.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Something For The Weekend 45


How the f#ck are you mate? Good I hope. Me? Well, it’s been 97.53 f#cking hours (approx.) since I last smoked a cigarette so if you’re expecting flowery, Jane Austen-like prose while I gaily lead you through a spring meadow of cultural events and recommendations before stripping off my corset and diving headlong into a clear blue pond to pluck you a water lily from the bottom and then emerging dripping and flushed, then you are sadly F#CKING mistaken. I am frazzled. And a bit twitchy... you lookin’ at me..? well ARE you…?

[This post is pausing here momentarily at Curseville. Passengers who’d rather not proceed on to Stereotypical Gender Abusetown, by way of Easily Offended County, please alight here. And take your ridiculously large f#cking handbags with you while you’re at it. Thank you and good day.]

Chr#st, imagine the state I’d be in if I was a woman. Who was an Air Traffic Controller. At Thanksgiving. And pre-menstrual. And only owned 23 pairs of shoes. And had to drive to the shops. Without make-up. Or a map (for all the good THAT would do). To find them SHUT! HO-LEE SH#T!

Anyway, enough already about the 97.68 f#cking hours (approx.) since I last smoked a cigarette. What can I recommend to you by way of something cultural that, fingers crossed, takes place in a non-smoking building with highly flammable (inflammable?) chemicals all around?

This week your ex “room mate” Big G sent me a copy of the new Verve album “Forth”, a surprising departure from recent form as whatisface and the boys strap on their mandolins for ten folksy ballads about the famous Scottish river and all who sail/swim/drown in her. No, not really. ‘Love is Noise’ (ain’t THAT the truth) is a great song and the rest are still growing on me. If only I could make out the song titles on the rather grainy photocopied cover... *tut*

The big one, of course, is next Friday as The Signals take part in some charity gig at some venue near Falkirk with some other bands at some time during that evening. (You’ll know more when I know more.) This is a similar event to the one you attended last year Dave when Blousie totally f#cked up the videoing, thereby failing to capture you rushing the stage in a vain attempt to remove my ‘fitted’ t-shirt. Some tickets for next week still available priced £5 if you’d like to try again?

In other concert news… actually, on second thoughts, that’s not until next year… plus I’m a little ashamed about what I did… so let’s just say that if you have a little patience, I’ll tell you after Christmas and we'll leave it at that…

Very excited about the imminent return of Sky 1 to my Virgin digibox and with it, ‘Lost’ and ‘Battlestar Galactica’… Don’t tell my sister-in-law but I started watching ‘Lipstick Jungle’ and because Jack Bauer’s ex is in it, I quite like it… ‘John Adams’ continues to be brilliant on More 4 (forget the f#cking I-Player, More 4 has been unmissable throughout this election season)… and despite the lack of an appearance by Gillian Anderson, I’m enjoying the latest Charles Dickens adaptation on the BBC, ‘Scarface – The Putney Years’… “say ‘allo to ma Leetle Dorrit friend”...

Haven’t seen Bond yet… watched Indiana Jones IV again last weekend and it gets worse on every viewing… absolutely LOVED Wall-E, I tell you, don’t watch that film without some top ice cream and a serious box of tissues, ‘nuff said… but the best film I’ve seen all year with the absolute FUNNIEST FINAL SCENE IN A MOVIE EVER was ‘Burn After Reading’, the latest from the Coen Brothers. Very original and very funny. What more could you want… apart from longing for the days when you could smoke in a cinema… phhhhhhhh, aaaahhhhh… 98.03 f#cking hours (approx.) now… gotta go to my bed before I start lighting up my socks…

Cheers, Edge

Monday, November 03, 2008

Some Dates For Your Diary

1. Friday November 14th:  The Signals – along with other bands and musical entertainment – will be playing live at the North Broomage Social Club in Larbert (near Falkirk) as part of a charity gig in aid of the CLIC Sargent charity which cares for children with cancer. Tickets cost £5.00 and are extremely sought-after because of a limit on audience capacity so if you’d like to contribute to a very worthy cause – as well as witnessing a mad scramble to see who can snog the handsomest drummer in the world – let me know and I’ll get it sorted for you. The ticket that is, not the snog… although for another tenner…


2. Tuesday November 3rd:  Election day in America. Loving all the coverage at the moment. If you want to know the result, watch season seven of ‘The West Wing’. Spooky.


3. Week commencing Monday December 8th:  Expect the result of the US Presidential election to be announced sometime this week…


4. Monday November 3rd:  Today I quit smoking. Don’t expect to be very communicative in the coming weeks. Short sentences will be the norm. Or just grunts. Because the patches go over my mouth, right? Need something else to do with my hands. And mouth. Ladies… ideas?