Saturday, July 04, 2009

Something For The Weekend - Special Edition

Dear Dave,

Today is your wedding day so I’m guessing you won’t really have time this afternoon to join me in the back row of Cineworld for “Ice Age 3: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs”? It’s freakin’ 3D dude!

Oh well, I’m sure instead you’ll be an ocean of calm, quietly mulling over the vows of tender devotion and c.. c.. com.. comitm.. commytm.. promise that you wrote yourself after taking inspiration from your favourite classic literature… “And I love you too Blue House,” said Bear…

As a renowned marriage “expert” (from the Latin ‘ex’ meaning “formerly” and ‘pert’ meaning “had a girlfriend”) I feel it’s only fair that I share some of my worldly wisdom with you so that you and your new bride (not that Lyn is in any way replacing any ‘old’ bride… although clearly, the “ceremony” we attended at sunset in Myrtle Beach ‘03 means nothing to you now) have many happy years of happiness and what not together in the future.

(i) Always make her breakfast at the weekend. If the ingredients come from the far-off, mystical land of Canadia, even better. Bacon, maple syrup and pancakes (especially M&S’s raisin and maple pancakes which has the freakin’ maple ALREADY BAKED IN) are the holy trinity that hit the spot… oh yeah, right there baby…

(ii) Research gifts thoroughly. I once suggested to my Dad that he buy my Mum an electric carving knife for Christmas because “she’d like it and it would help her out a lot around the house”. I couldn’t see any down side… I mean, it’s a knife… an ELECTRIC knife that you plug in… and it literally carves all by itself… which would free up valuable minutes in her day to rustle me up a few Findus crispy pancakes. Granted, I was a lot younger at the time – 37, I think – but I couldn’t understand why my Dad spat out his tea at the suggestion and then performed a very uncomfortable-looking crossing and uncrossing of his legs manoeuvre. Later on of course, I learned that if you’re going to give a woman something electrical, make sure it’s a gift that brings HER pleasure and can’t be used to cut your bollocks off. A microwave perhaps…

So there you have it Dave, display your prominence in the kitchen (*sighs*.. oh Myrtle Beach...) and get her stuff she actually likes... the only two things you have to remember for a long and fruitful marriage. Although now that I think about it, there might have been one other thing about a toilet seat but honestly, who really gives a crap whether it’s up or down.

It only remains for me to tell you that I’ve splashed out on a new outfit for your wedding reception this evening (and by ‘outfit’ I mean of course, socks and a tie… would they be sufficient on their own I wonder?) and I’m more than a little excited at the prospect of a buffet consisting of.. OMG.. stovies and bacon rolls. Awesome! Looking forward to seeing you later and I hope you both have a wonderful day. Oh, and remember to thank the bridesmaids in your speech… I think that’s traditional if they managed to ‘look after’ your fiancé on her hen night... Pimms, PJs, pillow fights… *sighs*.. oh Myrtle Beach…




At 4/7/09 9:14 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Morning Edge,

Bit nervous this morning! Just need to relax and enjoy the day. Thanks for the post though - gave me a laugh and also so many happy memories from Myrtle Beach!

I really want to see Ice Age 3. The 3D was awesome in Monsters v Aliens and also Coraline. Enjoy dude.

Apologies for short message - have got a few things still to organise.

Looking forward to seeing you later.




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