Sunday, January 31, 2010

"But Now I'm Comin' To Tha Edge..."

Boot up laptop... click the thingy... put the kettle on... open the whatsit... cursor blinking... blinking... blinking... blinking... blinking... blinking... type... delete... type more... delete... have a right good scratch... type... go outside for a smoke (yeah, I know, I quit but 'Mad Men' made me start again)... blinking... blinking... blinking...

So thank God January's over. It's dark and cold and has a tendency to make me want to shave my head and chew tin foil as a cheery alternative to all the incessant weather-talk... “ooh look, it's snowing again.” Yeah, it's frickin' winter, get over it!

Of course, winter should be the perfect time for me to curtail my hectic social schedule and spend some quality time blogging about all the exciting blah, blah, blah... But I really can't be arsed, especially now that lovely Starbuck is in the “new” season of '24', the ultimate fast-food, disposable 21st century television. I mean, who would ever buy a boxset of '24' for “repeat viewing”? And surely Jack Bauer should be displaying a little more John Maclane-like self-deprecation by now, “how can the same sh*t, happen to the same guy.. um.. EIGHT times?”

So television's taking up a lot of my time at the moment (although I was obviously shaken to the core this week on hearing the devastating news that 'Ugly Betty's' been cancelled) but I have found time to ponder other crucial issues, like...

Who the f*ck was the sadistic b*stard who invented the little square corner on a packet of bacon? You know the one I mean? The little square corner that winks at you and says in a seductive tone, “Go on, look what I've got for you here... a handy little square corner where the plastic is stretched onto a wee flap so that you can EASILY PEEL IT BACK and enjoy all the baconly goodness in no time at all.”

So you spin the packet round and ease your newly manicured index fingernail into the corner to tease the plastic free. Initially, it parts from the flap like a *insert suitably suggestive analogy here* with only the minimum of resistance and you get yourself all excited, not only with regard to the tasty treat in store, but also at the prospect of replacing the perfectly peeled plastic in a manner which would meet all current health and safety hygiene standards. With the corner loose, it's time for the thumb to join the party, strong and proud and ready to pull the plastic back in one, full continuous, perfect, rollback. Which is exactly the moment when the g*ddamn motherf*cking b*stard thing disintegrates into a million shredded pieces and I crack one of my perfectly manicured nails as I slam the entire bacon packaging carnage onto my mock marble kitchen worktop. F*CKER! If you'd like an idea of the degree of my frustration then check out the little kid in this video who has his own bacon issues to deal with.

Anyway, it's nearly February and if you're interested (although I can't imagine who's still reading this mince), I'll be spending most of the new month over on this other blog, finally trying to write about what it's like to run a marathon. If you'd like the abbreviated version then see below.

Running a marathon is frickin' hard!!!


At 1/2/10 5:15 am, Blogger Tawna said...

I have never seen as much smoking as in Mad Men! But I love that show! Guess what: the guy who wrote the music for Ugly Betty lives on my street. Sorry about your finger. I like your blog.

At 1/2/10 8:47 am, Blogger auntiegwen said...

And that's why I'm a vegetarian. Glad to see you back blogging and nicely timed posting, your wee monthly index will still be in order, eh? xxxx x

At 2/2/10 11:45 am, Blogger Lena said...

Manicured!? You play guitar, Neil, that finger tip should be skin-solid and the nail all raggedy at all times.

What a little (ba)STAR(d) Biffa Bacon is but his quote of "she acts like she's the queen and we're the sorry people" is one my own boys can relate to!

oh, and Hurrah - a post at last!!


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