Don't Try This At Home

I’ve always considered it my civic duty to teach those younger than myself about the dangers of rock ‘n roll excess; a “passing of the torch”, if you will, in a responsible and loving manner, similar to the “schooling” I received during those long heavenly summers at Neverland Ranch.

So I continue that tradition today with a lesson in stagecraft; the art of bustin' some moves and navigating safely through a powerhouse, rock ‘n roll performance without falling foul of the many electrical and mechanical pitfalls that lie in wait all over the “performance space” – or “stage” – so you can safely make it to the end of the show and retire to the green room for 12 hours of non-stop hooker groupies and crack cocaine.

To illustrate my point, I offer the following short, instructional video which some may find disturbing – not least because I really should’ve worn blue jeans with that t-shirt – and I’d caution anyone to have at least 25 years of live shows under their (increasingly widening) belt before even thinking about attempting these stage moves. Also, under instructions from my legal team, I have to point out that these moves have been copyrighted so if you’re caught attempting them without my express written permission, you’ll have a world of litigatiousness pain rainin’ down on yo ass.

So here we have The Signals performing their own catchy composition “Not Such A Lonely Place” – an homage to my many formative years spent locked in the “family playroom”, or “cellar” – at the climax of last week’s “unf*ckingbelievable” (Falkirk Herald) performance at the Grangemouth Homecoming Music Festival. The two distinctive stagecraft moves you’re looking out for are:

(i) Old Man Kicks Football Back To Youngsters In The Park™
Appearing at 2 minutes, 32 seconds into the song, the trick with this move is to execute it with what would normally be your non-kicking foot so as to exude the maximum amount of sexy old man coolness. Also, make sure you time it properly in tandem with a big crash cymbal crescendo because otherwise you end up looking like a bit of a dick.

(ii) Jumping Over An After-Eight In A Single Bound™
Always difficult to nail to the satisfaction of the East German judges, this performance-ending finalé spectacular will leave the audience with jaws agape, scarcely able to believe their watering eyes at what they’ve just witnessed. A word of warning though, if you’ve run a marathon during the preceding six months and have received the somewhat troubling medical news that your knees are “totally f*cked beyond all anatomic recognition”, you may find yourself having to shuffle to the front of the stage to say your final goodbyes, grasping for the microphone stand for support whilst flashing your beaming, honest-that-didnae-hurt-a-bit smile.

Rock on…