2006... And All That

Thanks to all who sent in ideas for this week’s newspaper column. Your suggestions were so good that I included them all in my submission but alas, they didn’t make it past the merciless eye (and frantic red pen) of the sub editors. So I’m afraid I can’t provide you with any kind of financial recompense but the offer of sexual favours is still on the table. (NOT to my brothers! OBVIOUSLY!)

Like much of the trivia I write, it may not translate too well if you don’t live within 50 miles of me so I’ve added one of those ever popular glossary of terms at the end to try and make things a bit clearer/fill up a bit more space.


It won’t have escaped your notice, I’m sure, but it’s now January and publications everywhere are full of people giving you their reviews of 2005 or an endless list of their resolutions for 2006, most of which they’ve already abandoned. As for me, I’m conquering my long term vices of overeating and smoking by (a) buying trousers in a bigger size and (b) deciding to move to France in March when the Holyrood* smoking ban comes into effect.

But I know many of you are looking ahead and wondering whether 2006 will be a memorable year full of peace and joy the world over. Well wonder no more because thanks to my brand new girlfriend Billie Piper* and her time-traveling phone box, I am writing this column on January 9th 2007 whilst sitting (and smoking) in a little Parisian café just off the Rue de Blahblah. (By the way, if you’re wondering how I secured the services of Billie Piper as my brand new girlfriend, let’s just say the method employed involved a great deal of creativity and imagination. Besides, if I told you, I’d have to exterminate* you.)

Time travel is a thrilling experience, not least because I now have 52 weeks worth of winning numbers for the National Lottery. If space allows, I’ll let you know the result of last week’s superdraw, worth 50 million Euros. But meantime, let’s dive straight into the review of 2006 and what a year it turned out to be.

It started with a bang, of course, with the stunning conclusion to Celebrity Big Brother*. Far from resigning because of “personal issues”, Charles Kennedy* had in fact signed a secret contract with Channel 4 to become a surprise, last week entrant into the Big Brother house. His full blooded fist fight with George Galloway* (now not-so-gorgeous) surrounding accusations as to who had stolen the secret stash of “fizzy drinks” made for riveting viewing. It was no surprise that the Channel 4 switchboard was swamped with complaints after producers cut away from the fight to show a fleeting shot of Jodie Marsh’s* nipples.

By early summer, all eyes turned to Germany for the World Cup. Despite their humiliating 5-1 thrashing at the hands of Trinidad & Tobago in the opening group games, England somehow scrambled their way to a thrilling final, edging out Brazil by the odd goal in nine. Their triumph was short lived however when DNA drug tests performed on Wayne Rooney* and Steven Gerrard revealed that they are in fact Scottish. Walter Smith* rejoiced in the news that the entire tournament will be replayed again during 2007.

Autumn saw the publication of the seventh and final book in the increasingly mature Harry Potter series - Harry Potter & Some Seriously Bad Acid. Children loved it of course but some critics found the injection of contemporary themes a little hard to swallow. Personally, I thought Harry and Ron’s close “friendship” and Hermione’s teen pregnancy were both handled with great skill and tenderness.

And as 2006 drew to a close there was finally some good news for fans of Rangers Football Club*. After all the humiliation and woes of last season, the club stood proudly at the top of the league over Christmas, twenty points ahead of their nearest rivals. Manager Gordon Ramsay was fulsome with his praise for the players as well as for the support he’d received from the Chairman and predicted that at their current pace, they would secure promotion back to the SPL* by the end of February.

So that was 2006 – a year to remember. Billie and I are off now to see how the 2007 World Cup turns out but before we go here are those superdraw lottery numbers. 8, 19, 25…

Glossary of Terms
Holyrood – Geographical location of (and therefore local colloquialism for) the Scottish Parliament who, as far as I can see, only exist to ban things. Like smoking. And the selling of sweets in schools.
Billie Piper – Gorgeous female sidekick of Dr. Who, a tv sci-fi classic who flits about in a time travelling phone box but doesn’t seem to use the power of time travel to anticipate any of the disasters which befall the universe.
Exterminate – Snappy catchphrase of Billie’s arch enemy, the Daleks.
Celebrity Big Brother – Pointless reality tv show.
Charles Kennedy – Former leader of the Liberal Democratic Party who resigned last week after all his pals ganged up on him because he likes a drink or two.
George Galloway – Pointless politician who definitely DID NOT have any ties to Iraq.
Jodie Marsh – Pointless human being.
Wayne Rooney & Steven Gerrard – The two best footballers in the UK. Both English unfortunately.
Walter Smith – Manager of the Scottish national football team who I once met at a Bruce Springsteen concert, interestingly enough. Or not.
Rangers Football Club – Pointless football club from Glasgow currently underperforming to extraordinary degrees in all departments.
Gordon Ramsay – Celebrity chef who likes to f#cking swear A LOT and used to play for Rangers. Used in the context of this article to demonstrate how difficult it will be for Rangers to find a decent Manager at the end of this season after the current one is sacked.
SPL – Scottish Premier League