Thursday, April 12, 2007

Something For The Weekend 14

Hey Dave. Remember how you told me in confidence recently that you were thinking of “popping the question” and making an honest “woman” out of your “significant other”, who I’ve never met but who you assure me really does exist? Well, as the undoubted leading contender in the race to be your Best Man, let me offer some words of wisdom on how to keep your guests happy on the big day.

Back in the 80s – when you were just a teeny tiny little sperm who your parents hoped would one day blossom into a beautiful daughter – I attended a few weddings of school friends (some more ‘hastily arranged’ than others!) and they always included a strange ritual that I’ve never understood to this day.

At some point during the evening festivities – usually around the time when I was up at the buffet table for my fifth visit – the bride and her bridesmaids would wander round the tables dispensing little gifts, or ‘favours’, to the female guests as thanks for something that was never made clear. Probably something to do with shoe shopping. Or communal outings to the bathroom. Or hoovering.

Anyway, the point is that the gift or favour being offered was, without fail, a little net bag containing some type of almond-based confectionery so tough and jaw-breaking that major oil companies used to use them as back-up for the diamonds on the end of their drills when they needed to bore deep into the earth’s core at the bottom of the North Sea.

I mean… seriously… whit was THAT aw aboot? And don’t even try and get me started on that other pointless wedding ritual from days of yore… The Show Of Presents. Nightmare.

So, there are really only two things (three if you include an open bar) that you and your “bride” need to organise on your big day to ensure your guests remain happy throughout.

1. An evening buffet so large and sumptuous that it induces a serious case of the meat sweats. And…

2. A keepsake so cool and memorable that your guests will be talking about it until their dying day, or the twelfth of never, whichever is longest. And here it is. The Wedding Beer Koozie, personalised to your own personal taste and guaranteed to keep your adult beverage cold during this extended era of global warming. Since you’re just a minor – and I didn’t have any of your favourite Sunny D in the house – the koozies in this example contain a couple of stand-in Dr Peppers, the most misunderstood of all sodas. Cheers.


At 14/4/07 9:55 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Calling it " the show of presents" implies something much more fun !! but only women get invited to them, so how do you know what happens ? mmm strokey beard time

I do agree that Kathryn and Keith's favours are the best I've ever seen though

At 14/4/07 10:39 pm, Blogger Peggy said...

Dr Pepper is not misunderstood in our house. It is held in high esteem by each and every member of our family.

Sometimes I get a mean streak and buy a big bottle of Diet Dr Pepper knowing that the "diet" part will deter other members of my family from swigging it all while I'm at work.

Good wedding favours - We didn't have ANY at our wedding. I actually forgot them completely. It never entered my head once.

At 15/4/07 8:10 pm, Blogger Lena said...

I wish all wedding parties were arranged like so. It's true that there is a load of bollocks to tradition. God knows how many favours and trinkets I swept up at my daughter's aftermath!


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