Monday, August 18, 2008

Run Keith Run

Those of you who, like me, have younger siblings who are twins will know that the first rule of being big brother/sister to twins is NEVER let the wee b##t@rds be in the same team when playing “fun for all the family” Christmas games. Twins have a strange kind of telepathy thing going on so they need to be separated – preferably with one locked in the basement – whenever someone suggests a quick round of “Taboo”, the mild-mannered, word guessing game of “unspeakable fun”.

We once played the “Famous Person” edition at Christmas and, since I’d forgotten to wear my Joey pants before eating and was distracted by the seams in my jeans straining at every turn, I neglected to notice that “the twinnies”, Rona and Keith, had wangled their evil way on to the same team. The game did not last long…

Dad: “Right Rona, it’s your turn.”
Keith: “C’mon Rona, we’re ten points ahead already. Super!”
Rona: “Okay... it’s a man... and he was once…”
Keith: “JOHN F KENNEDY!!!!”
Rona: “Correct!!!”
Neil: “Aw for f#ck’s sake… what’s the f#cking point… Christmas is sh#t… I’m f#cking outta here… someone help he up off this f#cking bean bag… who invented these f#cking things anyway… aw b#llocks, ma jeans’ve burst… who f#cking shrunk them in the wash… eh?... EH?”

Good times.

Anyway, twins can, more often than not, do good as well as evil. Sharp-eyed readers (i.e. ones, unlike me, who don’t need to wear f#cking glasses) will remember that a few months ago I wrote a thing with a similar title to this wherein I shared an email I’d received from Rona telling of her intent to run the London marathon. She achieved that impressive feat in April and now her twin Keith has decided to match her by also successfully writing an email. Here it is…

Dear Family,

As many of you know, Rona ran the London Marathon in April in a wonderful time and raised a lot of money and awareness for autism. Rona’s run inspired me to not only get fit
(it inspired ME to set my alarm and get up early to WATCH the marathon on tv), but to do whatever I can to raise awareness and money for Autism research. I’ve been training for the last two months and plan to run the Chicago Marathon on October 12th.

Please support me
(KEI-THY! KEI-THY! KEI… oh, you mean with my wallet?) in raising money for such a worthy cause. You can sponsor me online by visiting

Your support will not only get me out the front door on those early morning long runs but importantly it will give a lot of kids and their parents an important support system.

Wishing all of you the very best.

Love, Keith

At this point, I should mention that my other brother Stuart (World Class baby-maker and website genius who’s still available for all manner of freelance interweb work) ran the Glasgow marathon during the 1980s in UNDER THREE AND A HALF HOURS, although he had done a lot of sprint work, fleeing from “Maggie’s Fascist Baton-Wielding Boot Boys” during several marches for a worthy campaign… Blue Peter’s African Appeal, I think it was…

Keith - Ignoring the obvious selfish nature of leaving me as the only sibling not to have run a marathon, I wish you all the very best in October and hope the training continues to go well. Any insane thoughts I might have entertained about joining you on the run in Chicago were ended earlier this evening during five-a-side football when I ravaged a muscle in the thigh/groin area which registered as “F#ck Me, That’s F#cking Agony” when I checked the British Medical Association’s on-line Pain-O-Meter™.

So ladies, if you’re thinking of beating a path to my door this week for a little “booty call” (I knew MTV would pay for itself in the long run), bring ice packs. Lots of 'em.


At 19/8/08 8:56 pm, Anonymous Wee Man said...

Was the injury sustained during one of those sudden "high speed bursts" that are such a trademark of your game ?

At 21/8/08 4:16 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As first born and sun coming out of you arse child - you realise that once this marathon is completed your picture in the front living room will be placed UNDER all of your marathon running brothers and sister. Are you OK with this?


At 21/8/08 8:30 pm, Blogger Stuart said...

Neil, thanks for the kind words about my world class baby making and modest marathon times (both now very much things of the past).

I was disappointed you omitted to include my 1.24 PB for the half marathon, a point I share now just to lay down a marker in case the twinnies get any ideas above their station ;-)

At 21/8/08 8:31 pm, Blogger Neil said...

"high speed bursts.." ha, ha, ha, ha ha... good one Wee Man. If only... the 'bursts' were SO 20th century. No, I was stretching to intercept a pass with my right leg and my planted left leg did not anticipate such a wide parting of the limbs and 'popped', to put it mildly.

NO Keith, I am NOT f#cking OK at all with this. My stock in the living room-picture stakes has plummeted since the appearance of all those bloody grandchildren. It's getting to the stage that only an ACTUAL sun-from-arse demonstration will redeem matters.

At 21/8/08 8:34 pm, Blogger Neil said...

Stuart - some records are set in stone and will NEVER be beaten and you have most of them. Bloody twinnies need locked in the basement, smothered in pillows... or what we now know as "the good old days", eh?

At 21/8/08 8:37 pm, Blogger Stuart said...

Absolutely. You hold the pillow, I'll thwack 'em on the legs with a stiff hairbrush.

At 26/8/08 3:11 pm, Anonymous Rona said...

If I recall correctly, it was a big leather belt you used on me, saving the stiff hairbrush for Keith. Happy days! :)


Post a Comment

<< Home