All Positions Considered. Anyone?

Regular readers will know that I rarely use this column for my own selfish needs or for personal financial gain. I suppose there was that one time when I was desperately seeking a new room-mate and used this space to flesh out the essential attributes each candidate should possess. But since none of the applicants agreed to take part in the swimsuit parade section of the audition process, that doesn’t count.

This week however, I’d like to take a break from my usual subject matter of why the pizza is the Greatest Invention Known To Mankind*, and concentrate instead on more pressing issues that require your assistance. To get straight to the point, my contract of employment runs out at the end of this month and the company are giving me the opportunity to further my career elsewhere. Or as the nice lady from HR put it to me the other day, “Don’t even THINK about pocketing that stapler when you go.”

While the prospect of a little ‘down time’ is appealing, I doubt you’d enjoy opening this paper every Tuesday to read, “Long lie again. Watched ‘Loose Women’. Had a right good scratch. Made mental note to change underwear sometime. Took nap. Watched football. Went to bed.”

So here’s where you come in. Out there somewhere I just know there’s an avid reader who’s aware of an upcoming vacancy in the Quality Assurance department of a major Belgian beer company. Or perhaps there’s someone who’s heard that Angelina Jolie is looking for a childminder - that thing with Brad Whatshisname will never last - and can pass on her telephone number? (I will also accept her telephone number even if she isn’t looking for a childminder.)

I realise of course that you’re not just going to hand me one of these much sought-after positions without some kind of screening and interview process. (I’ve purchased new Speedos in case you’re thinking of including a swimsuit parade.) So noted below is my Curriculum Vitae - from the Latin ‘Curriculum’ meaning ‘list of’ and ‘Vitae’ meaning ‘total and utter bollocks’ - to allow you to assess my qualifications and suitability for any available role.

Personal Attributes:
A self-motivated and hard working individual with twenty years work experience and an excellent track record, although please note, I am not a horse. Can work as part of a team but prefer to use my own initiative. An excellent communicator at all levels within an organisation as long as it’s by email. In fact it’s probably best that I not work with people. Good problem solving skills and adopts a creative approach to expenses claims always. Computer literate with exceptional keyboard skills - currently at level 10 of Lara Croft Tomb Raider Legend.

Previous Experience:
1978 – 1982 Newspaper Delivery Courier. Learned fast how to work with animals and administer emergency first aid. Often simultaneously.
1983 – 2003 Twenty years of devoted and loyal service to numerous companies.
2003 – 2005 Took a year out to travel around the world. Got lost.
2005 – 2006 Low key, office-based role which afforded rapid advancement on the Professional Internet Surfing circuit.

Education & Qualifications:
10 O’Grades, 6 Highers and a 25 metre swimming certificate.

Any Criminal Record:
Once charged with unlawful handling of staplers and other assorted office supplies. Never proven.

Marital Status:
Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Unattached. No commitments. Alone.

Interests:
Pizza

As I’m sure you’ll agree, this CV speaks for itself and I await notice of all interesting vacancies with eager anticipation. You can reach me at the usual address between the hours of 4pm and 6pm after my afternoon nap, Monday to Friday. Except Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays when I’ll be playing golf.


*Before you throw your little cell phone in the ring to challenge the pizza’s rights as the Greatest Invention Known To Mankind, take a glance at the recently discovered personal journal of super smart historical Scot, Alexander Graham Bell.

March 10 1876
Today I invented the telephone and called my assistant Mr Watson.

“Mr Watson,” I shouted into the transmitting instrument. “Come here. I want to see you.”

Mr Watson duly arrived in an excited state and confirmed that he’d heard and understood what I’d said in his receiving instrument.

“What now sir?” he asked breathlessly as tiny beads of perspiration doth appeared on his brow.

“Phone Dominos and order me a 14” Meat Lovers with the cheese filled crust. We’re gonnae celebrate!”

More newspaper stuff here.