Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Hoots Mon!

I’m going down south tomorrow to teach my nephews the ancient art of conkers and as you can see from the adjacent photo, I have acquired a MASSIVE specimen to ensure that I win all uncle v nephew contests and send them running to their parents with bruised knuckles, ha, ha, ha. But how, I hear you ask, did I manage to secure such a remarkable example of King Conkery…?

Like most Scots, I tend to spend my Tuesday mornings taking a leisurely stroll around my local loch, all the while keeping a sharp eye out in case a rogue haggis runs up my kilt whilst I’m in the middle of playing the bagpipes and eating shortbread. Last Tuesday – as I was sitting having a quiet smoke by the water’s edge and giving my chanter a vigorous rubdown – an Alsatian dog went rushing by chasing a squirrel which promptly disappeared up a tree to escape. The dog remained at the bottom of the tree barking up at the squirrel and seemed set to remain there until Christmas when suddenly a large, jagged, nut-like object came bulleting down from the branches and smacked him on the head. (I swear I’m not making this up.)

Of course I nearly choked on my shortbread with hysterical laughter as the dog sloped off in embarrassment and the squirrel, along the rest of his little Ewok friends, celebrated the destruction of the evil Empire. I kept a safe distance until they had retired to their woodland barbeque and then I went scouting round the base of the tree and discovered my aforementioned MASSIVE conker, mentioned previously.

Now I know sometimes that photos on the internet don’t do justice to the subject matter so I was hopeful of producing a little back-up evidence to underline the impressive height and girth of my specimen. As luck would have it, former Celtic and Liverpool football legend Kenny Dalglish happened to be taking his Tuesday stroll around my local loch so I asked him to pose with the conker to put it in perspective for you. As you can see, my wee nephews don’t stand a chance.


At 18/10/06 2:40 pm, Blogger DC said...

That is truely a King Conker( I suppose King Cheggy wouldn't have worked).

See what you mean about photo's on tinternet - King Kenny's head's got that slightly out of proportion thing going on, just like your photos .

Here's a true story also. I was walking Hamish ( remember him ?) in the park recently. In addition to being wet it was also rather windy - the tail-end of some storm or other. Trees were swaying squirrels a-playing , or rather, taking shelter from the storm & chestnuts were falling down like some big green round spikey hailstones.
Now, Hamish, being a smart dog, noticed this, only because he kept getting hit on the head, and decided to try & catch these funny things. However after 10 minutes of having his mouth lacerated by the spikey shells, decided it was time for a lie-down/roll about on his back in the muck.

I on the other hand , being of sound mind, decided that here was an opportunity that couldn't be missed & filled every available space,( eg pockets), with chestnuts & then waddled home.

Sometime after arriving home, & having come down from my high at collecting such a splendid haul,( which nearly filled a Tesco's bag), my thoughts turned to what I might do with it.

Play conkers & become King Conker?I'm sure there are 40-something year olds who are passionate about such things, but thats a bit of an extreme sport to me.I could hang about primary Schools & challange young boys to conker fights - but I quite enjoy not having a criminal record." Well Officer , I was hanging about the park ..... "

EAT THEM!!! Of course, roast chestnuts, over an open fire , jumpers for goalposts etc.Cheap, readily available & nutritious. I AM A GENIUS!!!
They might be poisonous!I'll do some detailed resarch.
" Mum, can you eat chestnuts from a tree in the park?"

" I don't know DC, that's the kind of thing I thought you'd know all about"

So, yesterday I rediscovered my now slightly damp & smelly bag of conkers & slung them in the brown weelie- bin.
I'm sure that if I'd looked ater them you could've really smashed the little darlings into a truely humiliating defeat.

Yours in conkers,


At 18/10/06 3:04 pm, Anonymous foxy said...

Is that the biggest conker you've got??

At 18/10/06 10:39 pm, Blogger Neil said...

Donald - Not that I don't appreciate your input but isn't it time you got your own blog; "Hamish & Me"

Foxy - I've got two others that are larger!


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