Things That Make You Go... F#CK RIGHT OFF!!!

Today will be the 13th straight day in a row I’ve worked and God only knows the last time that happened. When was it again… oh that’s right, NEVER! What I lack in energy and good humour/humor, I more than make up for with excessive sarcasm and a deep longing to unleash extreme violence. (Mmm, maybe that’s why I nearly punched a guy at the football on Monday? Nah, he was a dick.)

So if you have a masochistic urge to cross my path and test my patience, don’t be predictable and go for the obvious sharp poke in the arm. Opt for one of the following fun pastimes instead and see how long it is before you’re counting the cartoon stars orbiting your peripheral vision.

1. Choose the height of the rush hour to stand in front of me at the railway ticket office and ask for the most complicated season ticket possible. Then hand over some kind of debit/credit card to pay for it and when that gets rejected, scramble about in your wallet for another card, oblivious to the queue carnage building up behind you.

2. Watch me walk to the far end of a railway platform and then announce casually in a language only vaguely resembling English that the train will, in fact, now be leaving from a different platform… “Oh and byraway, yous’ve only goat wan minute tae get there. ‘Pologies.”

3. Forget to shower for at least a week and then stand beside me on the train with your arm in the air holding on to a luggage rack whilst reading your paper like you haven’t a care (or a nose) in the world.

4. When on the train, make a big deal of inserting your white Ipod earphones into your flappy ears and then continuously fondle your Ipod over and over again in your boney hands in case someone didn’t notice that you have a shiny, new Ipod Nano and white Ipod earphones… and shite Phil Collins taste in music. HA!

5. As the overcrowded train pulls into the station, push past me and all the other people waiting to get off so you can save yourself approximately five seconds at the automatic ticket barriers.

6. Come up with the notion that automatic ticket barriers at railway stations are a good idea.

7. Ask me three times what kind of coffee I want and then serve me something different.

8. Shrug and sigh when I hand back the drink you got wrong after asking me three times.

9. Serve me in a shop, give me back the wrong change and then look at me as if I’ve just burnt down your house with your children inside when I query the error.

10. Say no to drugs, study hard, become a lawyer and then talk f#cking bollocks to me for four months as you “sort out” my mortgage.