Sunday, February 12, 2006

I'm Listening

I received this very considerate, hand-written ‘thank you’ note from my youngest nephew Fraser the other day. He’s going to be two later this month so he’s obviously angling for a birthday present akin to the one he received from his favourite uncle for Christmas. Reading between the lines though, I don’t think everything’s hunky dory at home. It said…

Dear Uncle Neil

Thank you for my brilliant Quarry Tunnel. It is magic. Daddy said that Joe
(his teenage brother) was pissed the other night. What does that mean and should I be worried? Why does Daddy laugh about it?

Love, Fraser xx

I replied…

Dear Fraser,

Thank you for your ‘thank you’ note. It was very considerate of you and you can be assured that a gift of equal magnitude will be winging its way to you very soon for your birthday.

Now I appreciate you’re still quite young but you know fine well you should really start a new paragraph within a letter whenever you change the subject. (“Daddy said…”) Like I did just there. Please make sure that all future correspondence complies with the language and grammar rules we discussed during our advanced ‘hothouse’ sessions last December.

As for Joe (see how I made another new paragraph?) he is currently going through some “changes” and the hormones in his body cause him to do all manner of strange things. I was going to cover this later in the year during our summer science classes but you can get in some pre-course reading with the ten volumes I left at Christmas.

Being “pissed” (or “pished” to use the common vernacular of your Scottish brethren) is nothing for you to be concerned about. It is a perfectly natural stage in the growing-up process and Joe is still some ten years ahead of your father in that respect.

Your Daddy’s hysterical laughing is a mystery to us all in the family but again, there’s no need to for you to be worried. Later this year, you’re going to meet another sibling, a younger one this time, and we’ll see whether Daddy’s still laughing in the middle of the night when that happens.

Meantime, keep up with your studies and I can promise you some exciting new topics later in the year including Star Wars, golf, proper toilet roll etiquette and girls. Not necessarily in that order.

Much love.

Your favourite Uncle Neil x


At 13/2/06 11:21 pm, Blogger Stuart Sutherland said...


Thanks for taking Fraser under your wing. If only Joe could have had the same level of intense tutelage and mentoring, we wouldn't all be in this sorry state (although Joe's grammar is fine, thank you). He's the one now laughing hysterically having read this!

Thanks for the laughs.



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