Nice Chassis, Lovely Big Bumpers

“Do you ever think you’ll run out of things to write about for the newspaper?” asked my Dad last week in a moment of parental concern for my mental wellbeing after noticing I was talking to myself again.

Overlooking the fact he’d rudely interrupted a furious debate about moisturising products, I shrugged my smug shoulders and replied, “Not while there are still innocuous little moments waiting to be spun into something magical.”

And one day soon I’ll definitely give that a try. Meantime, the single life breaks out its shovel again this week and digs out a new low as we start finding inanimate objects attractive.


There are some landmark moments in a relationship that just can’t wait till Valentine’s Day to be celebrated. The first time you go off on a special outing together for one thing. The momentous decision to share a home in unison for another. For Dana and me, last week yielded just such a moment during a pleasant excursion through the Kingdom of Fife. As we were approaching the outskirts of St. Andrews, her curvy little mileometer slowly rolled over to show that we had reached the 100,000 mile mark in our glorious union. As I choked back a tear of happiness, my mind drifted back through our golden years and all the happy times we’d shared.

The first time I set eyes on Dana Corolla Scully, I knew she was the girl for me. Although gleaming red, she didn’t flaunt her beauty in an obvious way with extra make-up and flashy accessories like some girls do. In fact she was very demure at first and responded sensitively to my touch. I found out later that she had just emerged from a bad relationship where, after some heavy-handed treatment, she had been unceremoniously dumped for a younger model.

Those early miles together were unadulterated joy, both of us giddy at the prospect of a long and happy coupling. Once our mutual coyness had subsided, we indulged completely in the full range of talents that each brought to the relationship. Believe it or not, there were times when we would go three or four hours without stopping.

One of the many delights about Dana is that she’s very low maintenance. Only occasionally has she complained about a “headache” and even then the ailment was quickly resolved by taking on some extra fluids, or “lathering up” as we like to call it. I can’t pretend to understand all the complex things that go on under her skin but she’s never once insisted on spending endless hours shopping for matching wheel trims and roof racks. She doesn’t even complain about my habit of leaving the seat in an upright position. Best of all, she is a fantastic listener and has taught me to open up and vent my feelings whenever I feel like it. Lord only knows how she puts up with my tantrums and shocking language whenever I think someone is trying to do her harm.

Of course, there have been one or two bumps in the road during our long journey together. I still remember the forlorn look on her face when I left her in the hands of another during my many months out of the country. And she was more than a little frosty when I returned, having heard the rumour that I’d indulged in a two-week whirl with a rental model in New Zealand.

“Look Dana, it didn’t mean a thing,” I pleaded during an unsavoury public fallout at a service station. “I was thinking about you the whole time. Honest! Besides, it’s not as if you’ve been home alone pining for me. Do I need to mention those stolen weekends away in the Highlands with what’s his name?”

We made up in the end and now our communal bond is more solid and unconditional than ever. We celebrated our landmark at the weekend in fine style as I filled her up with her favourite tipple (the premium variety) and gave her one of those indulgent rubdowns she enjoys so much.

In these days of fickle taste and easy divorce, it’s not common to find many couples going the distance like Dana and I. Here’s to the next 100,000 miles and the road yet to travel.