Outgoing... INCOMING!!!

Due to a “space crisis”, my column below will not be making an appearance in today’s Daily Record because it “has been squeezed out by adverts”. (If the adverts are for Viagra, I’m really gonna fail to see the funny side.) However, it may appear in tomorrow’s edition. Then again, it may not.


Alert readers with finely-honed short-term memories (i.e. women) will recall that last Tuesday I made a desperate plea to find a new job due to the fast-approaching expiration of my current employment contract. With only three days left to work, I’m disappointed to tell you that the response to my appeal has been somewhat less than overwhelming. In fact the only contact of any consequence has been a constant stream of phone calls from that annoying Angelina Jolie woman begging me to be her new childminder. Although the basic salary was attractive enough, the associated bonus and benefits package - “travel the world to help me clear landmines” - was not really what I had in mind.

Despite these setbacks, I am not disheartened and am confident that a beer-tasting vacancy will open up soon. In the meantime, I am tying up a few loose ends in the office (my rubber band ball is now the size of a melon) and filling my time with productive activities similar to those I enjoyed at school in the days leading up to the summer holidays. Yesterday, for example, me and my best mate Blousie (so-called because he writes like a woman) decided to play “soak the smokers” with a fire hose from the fourth floor balcony. Although we both laughed to the point of needing fresh underwear, the memo from Security pledging “swift and uncompromising justice to the perpetrators” obviously failed to see the funny side.

Pranks aside, this week has been one filled with thank yous and goodbyes and I’d like to take a moment to make special mention of some of the rich cast of office characters who have made the last twelve months so enjoyable.

For a start, I need to say a big thank you to my boss Valerie for all her help and support and for allowing me to strike a harmonious work-life balance by “working from home” when I’ve had an important golf match to play. She’s also going to let me bring in some board games for my last day on Friday.

Then there’s Geeky Cyber Dude who, when he eventually turns up three days late to fix my computer, introduces me to entirely new branches of the English language. For example, GCD likes to tell me about his surreptitious “crop-dusting” pursuits; the fine art of silent farting as he passes through the office. (Note to self: consider “crop-dusting” for Thursday’s prank.) His latest is “batmobiling”, meaning to put up emotional shields, and refers to the retracting armour that covers the Batmobile.

Neil: “So, Geeky Cyber Dude, how are things going with the girlfriend?”
GCD: “Aw man. Last night she wanted to talk marriage. So I, like, totally started batmobiling.”

And finally, I couldn’t move on to pastures new without giving a big “shout-out” to Crazy Plant Lady. As well as being famous for – I am not making this up – giving pet names to both her breasts, Crazy Plant Lady owns the only green shrub in the office, a pathetic looking specimen (Latin name: “Specimus Patheticus”) which she expects me to water whenever she’s on holiday. If I ever forget, she’s quick to unleash a torrent of abuse using the endearing pet name she has for me in the process. (I couldn’t repeat it here but it rhymes with granny.) I will miss our cultural exchanges and I wish her and her “ample girls” much success and happiness for the future.

To them and all my valued colleagues I say this; if you have time to join me for a drink* in the pub on Thursday, that would be great and I’ve really enjoyed working with you. If you don’t, please confirm the correct spelling of your names so I can “out” you in these pages next week.

And now if you’ll excuse me I have to get back to work. I’ve still got a tense game of Kerplunk to complete and then I must go and buy Clingfilm for tomorrow’s toilet prank.

*To clarify – by “join me for a drink” I mean, of course, “BUY me a drink”.