Friday, May 04, 2007

Something For The Weekend 17

Usually on a Friday I’ll try and make a little cultural recommendation to my young friend Dave so that he can try and better himself and not just remain cooped up in his flat all weekend wearing his favourite Spiderman costume. You may remember that last week I tried to get him to read a book, despite the fact it contained no pop-up pictures of Spiderman, but on Wednesday he gave me some motivational feedback – “Am no reading that pish” – so I’ve decided against telling him about the new book I’ve started; something to do with Ukranian tractors which, frankly, isn’t as racy as the title suggests.

Dave and I (and about 70,000 other people) work for the same organisation (no, not the Scottish parliament) and up until recently we used to be able to access this blog no problem. Then things started to change and the text would appear but none of the associated images. Finally this week, the Big Brother-types and their fiendish security software have deemed neilwritestheblog unsuitable for young minds and if you try and access it at work, an “Access Denied. Unsuitable Content. Step Away from The PC. Slowly, With Your Hands In The Air. Yes YOU With The Box Of Kleenex.” message appears in the same manner as if you’d just tried to google “Donkey Porn Gere Hamster Richard Photos Please”. Hypothetically speaking.

So since Dave will be sitting at his desk this morning actually doing some work after being told for the fifth time to stop bugging colleagues with his fake web-spinning, I’m wondering whether to bother continuing his cultural education. Besides, the highlight of my week was going to the supermarket, so whilst I’m contemplating the future of this feature, here’s my top five favourite things in Tesco.

1. Golf Tees And Little Sponge Practice Balls.
I’m not going to bore you with the story of how I severely damaged my ribs last week and had to go to hospital on Tuesday so let’s just say that these items brought a smile to my face because they were SO cheap and they allow me to continue practicing my chipping in the living room. I don’t need to tell you that the short game is EVERYTHING!

2. Lenor Fabric Conditioner With The Febreze Effect.
Holy Sh#t, where has this been all my life? Makes me want to sniff my boxer shorts even more than normal.

3. Olives
In a jar. With the stones taken out. AND pre-sliced for your convenience. It’s like having a concierge organise your life.

4. Days Of The Week Socks
£5 for five pairs, each with a different colour and a different day marked on them. Who needs a Blackberry? And if you’re feeling subversive, try wearing your Friday socks ON A MONDAY! Man, what a rush!

5. Double Pepperoni Pizza
They’ve been on “buy one, get one free” special offer for weeks now. I have 93 in my freezer.

Have a great holiday weekend and I’ll see you soon. I’m going to try a little experiment on this blog next week…*cue Twilight Zone theme tune*…


At 4/5/07 9:17 pm, Anonymous Hazel said...

Oh no wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm confused. You're occasionally employed banking-wizard-cum-rock-god able to afford only scultped foam hamster-toy golf-balls... and yet also browsing the deli for hand-crafted olives (and clearly with concierge experience) and speciality man hosiery? Not sure whether you're really starving artist in a (Leif) garret or financial whizz kid with secret trust fund...

At 5/5/07 2:48 pm, Blogger Peggy said...

Where's the adult content? I've looked for it, but I couldn't find it. Have you got a secret porn blog somewhere that I don't know about?

At 6/5/07 7:09 pm, Blogger Lena said...

......'little' experiment - eh? Does it fall within suitable content standards? I might not be interested if it does.


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