Things I Done On My Holidays

I’ve been using up spare “vacation days” for the last week or so and had great plans to write something on this site every day so you could see what a full and rewarding life I lead. Mind you, I also had great plans to put the finishing décor touches to my underground bunker before the world ends in financial armageddon but it turns out that tiger cub-skin toilet covers are really hard to come by this time of year. Sh#t, I forgot to check eBay.

Anyway, succinctness (iticity?) is going to be the order of the day – what with the world’s big red digital clock counting mercilessly down – so rather than endless paragraphs of fluffy prose, here’s my update in efficient list format, without the usual bullet points and ruler-measured spacing, but utilising a clever Number Technique* instead.

10.5 – Number of days since I’ve been in the office.
1 – Number of funerals of old High School friends I attended.
5 – Ryder Cup points deficit for Europe. Congratulations to the Americans.
15 – Variety of sweet and savoury junk food on offer at Blousie’s flat during climatic Ryder Cup Singles climax.
7,000 – Number of yards I covered playing golf and football on Monday.
6 – Number of yards I could stagger in one go before falling over on Tuesday morning.
4 – Number of shots I had in my Starbucks coffee on Tuesday afternoon.
7 – Number of hours I could’ve happily spent in Starbucks on Tuesday afternoon.
11 – Amplifier level achieved at band practice on Tuesday evening.
8 – Number of crunchin’ guitar solos I attempted at band practice when lead guitarist Billy Bob Hay was laid up in bed with the flu.
0 – Number of crunchin’ guitar solos I actually pulled off.
18 – Number of question marks and exclamation points used by my sassy sister-in-law when she asked if I’d recently had a sex change after I enquired whether new US television drama ‘Lipstick Jungle’ was something I should fit into my viewing schedule between facial moisturising and volunteering at the sanctuary for abandoned kittens.
5 – Number of strokes I was over par during a highly enjoyable round of golf at beautiful Glenbervie on Wednesday.
58 – Length of putt in feet holed by good pal Gordy on the 17th green on Wednesday to beat me 3&1.
3&1 – See above.
40 – Number of putts I took to complete the World’s Hardest Putting Green™, a new addition to my local driving range.
10 – Number of times I performed the “gerritrightupye” victory dance after beating my pal Bruce on the World’s Hardest Putting Green™ on Thursday.
5 – Number of eggs used in the World’s Greatest Breakfast™ on Friday morning.
3 – Number of valued and precious old friends I went drinking with in my old home town on Friday evening.
36 – Number of minutes it took for the subject of “testicle shaving; pros and cons” to come up in conversation on Friday evening. Closely followed by “When prostate checks go bad”. Whatever happened to “cars and girls”?
2 – Number of bionic knees now owned by my mother on her release from hospital this week. I say “released” but “vaulting to the car park from a second floor window in a single bound” is probably more accurate.
37 – Number of old photos I uploaded to The Signals (and A N Other) MySpace sites.
4 – Number of times I've enjoyed delicious ice cream this week. Sweet!
24 – Number of hours I stayed in my jammies today.
9 – Number of hours till I have to be back at work. F#ck!

*©WW