Don't Panic, It's An "Adjustment"

Stock markets around the world went into freefall today when news emerged that the main header image on neilwritestheblog had “mysteriously disappeared”. Traders and speculators were reportedly “sh#tting themselves” at the prospect of such monumental change within this veritable institution and calls for a $700 billion “slush fund” to aid the crisis found widespread favour, especially among female “investors”.

“He’s a hunk of burnin’ hotness,” sobbed one inconsolable soul. “The thought of logging on and not seeing his roguish features and unkempt mullet is just too much too bear. I might as well join a nunnery. Or buy a new washing machine with a higher spin speed at least.”

Ned Suderlang, foppish CEO and Still President of neilwritestheblog was unavailable for comment but bowed to the mass hysteria by issuing a short press release denying rumours that a “magic portrait” stored in Neil’s attic had recently been destroyed in a small house fire, thereby breaking the spell of eternal youth. “It’s utter piffle,” claimed Suderlang. “And besides, Mr Lucifer promised me that the contract doesn’t come into effect until 2020. Now where did my shadow go?”

Some technical analysts went out on a limb by asserting that the catastrophe was probably caused by something straightforward – an unpaid web page bill where the header image is hosted was one mad theory – but they were quickly turned upon by a seething angry mob before being dragged to the river and drowned in a cloth sack for uttering such crazy devil-talk.

Most eyes now remain tightly shut under the covers with a pillow on top as many wonder whether we will make it to the end of the week without bums exceeding “Holy F#ck” on the Squeaky Scale™. But a loyal few are holding a candlelight vigil outside the neilwritestheblog headquarters and, after being invited inside for a “private audience and healing session”, contend that everything will be "tip top and perky again" by Friday morning. The world holds its breath and waits...