Thursday, February 10, 2005

Pass The Sponge, Bob

Living with kids is a constant education. When Kyle told me recently that his favourite television programme is “SpongeBob SquarePants”, I was intrigued enough to sit down and watch a couple of episodes. After all, this show is frequently cited as being the most successful children’s programme ever made and generates a staggering $1 billion a year in merchandise revenues.

Bob, unsurprisingly, is a sponge; a square sponge who lives in a pineapple with his pet snail, Gary, in the city of Bikini Bottom deep down in the Pacific Ocean. He wears a tiny pair of cardboard trousers and loves his job as a fry cook at the Krusty Krab.

When he's not getting on the nerves of his cranky neighbour Squidward, SpongeBob's usually smack in the middle of a strange situation (yesterday he got stranded in a kelp forest, the reckless little rascal) with his best buddy Patrick, a pink starfish, or his thrill-seeking squirrel pal, Sandy Cheeks. Before you scoff or reel back in horror at the thought of a squirrel underwater, let me reassure you that Sandy Cheeks breathes in a helmet to survive the deep... otherwise the whole premise would just be preposterous, right?

On the surface, SpongeBob exudes a wide-eyed curiosity about the world but recently, he has been making waves (boom, boom!) of a slightly different kind. He, along with Barney, Winnie The Pooh, Bob the Builder, the Rugrats and other cartoon characters are the stars of a new music video due to be sent to 61,000 US schools which is designed to encourage tolerance and diversity. It’s a remake of the 1979 hit “We Are Family” and is being distributed by the non-profit We Are Family Foundation.

Christian groups, however, are unleashing their (holy?) wrath on all of this tolerance and diversity nonsense and have 'outed' SpongeBob in a series of stinging attacks.

“A short step beneath the surface reveals that one of the differences being celebrated is homosexuality,” wrote Ed Vitagliano in an article for the American Family Association.

“It’s a pro-homosexual video,” claims Dr. James Dobson, founder of conservative Christian group Focus On The Family. “We see it as an insidious means by which this organisation is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids.” Interestingly, Dr. Dobson’s press spokesman admitted he’s not sure whether or not Dr. Dobson had seen the SpongeBob video, but "he has been briefed on it. "

SpongeBob was not available to comment on the rumour that he will be one of the hosts of the new series of “Queer Eye At The Fish Fry”. Anyway, judge for yourself when “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie” opens in UK cinemas tomorrow.

Now where’re my Captain Pugwash videos…


At 11/2/05 5:05 pm, Blogger Green Glass Beads said...

Apparently there is still some uncertainty about the whole Captain Pugwash being a mistake or not... friend in Oklahoma told me that girls are being escorted to the toilets in school cos the state governor is so afraid about "rampant lesbianism"! Pray tell us what Kyle and Co. make of this?

At 14/2/05 4:44 pm, Blogger DC said...

Mr S,

I just may be getting older, but it does seem to me that childrens programmes, books & films are an awful lot more complicated than when we were lads - although Mr Benn was a bit on the weird side - I thought Finding Nemo was pretty cool but how can a sponge fry fish under water ?


At 23/9/07 4:58 am, Blogger Thomas said...

Demospongiae Bob Reputed to Enjoy
Multiple Sex Life!
According to experts in these matters, Sponge Bob, reputedly belonging to the Class Demospongiae reproduces both sexually and asexually, what is even more perverted... there is a very good chance that Mr. Squarepants is also bisexual (monoecious)!! “I do it every which way I can” remarks Mr. Squarepants when asked about his sexual practices. “I even do it with myself! Sponge Bob has been known to wildly fling his sperm into the ocean around him indiscriminately, fertilizing himself and any other of his round heeled sponge friends. Demospongiae Bob is also known to grow revolting little projections he lovingly calls “My Little Buds”, that break off, grow, and form complete deviants like himself. Every one of these little "Bobbys" have the same disgusting habits and behaviors as Mr. Squarepants himself! “When I am really hard up, I can even produce little gemmules to help me get off” adds this very sick-o sponge.

Finally, Bob reacts to Dr. James Dobson's harassment - “Hey... you silly bible thumper ... you vapid dioecious biped! You think you are being creative when you do it doggie style... big deal! Your pallid reproductive potential pales when compared to my fecundity!” It is obvious that Mr. Squarepants is in Dobson's face, very sure of himself, and quite proud of “doing it all”,


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