Pass The Sponge, Bob

Living with kids is a constant education. When Kyle told me recently that his favourite television programme is “SpongeBob SquarePants”, I was intrigued enough to sit down and watch a couple of episodes. After all, this show is frequently cited as being the most successful children’s programme ever made and generates a staggering $1 billion a year in merchandise revenues.

Bob, unsurprisingly, is a sponge; a square sponge who lives in a pineapple with his pet snail, Gary, in the city of Bikini Bottom deep down in the Pacific Ocean. He wears a tiny pair of cardboard trousers and loves his job as a fry cook at the Krusty Krab.

When he's not getting on the nerves of his cranky neighbour Squidward, SpongeBob's usually smack in the middle of a strange situation (yesterday he got stranded in a kelp forest, the reckless little rascal) with his best buddy Patrick, a pink starfish, or his thrill-seeking squirrel pal, Sandy Cheeks. Before you scoff or reel back in horror at the thought of a squirrel underwater, let me reassure you that Sandy Cheeks breathes in a helmet to survive the deep... otherwise the whole premise would just be preposterous, right?

On the surface, SpongeBob exudes a wide-eyed curiosity about the world but recently, he has been making waves (boom, boom!) of a slightly different kind. He, along with Barney, Winnie The Pooh, Bob the Builder, the Rugrats and other cartoon characters are the stars of a new music video due to be sent to 61,000 US schools which is designed to encourage tolerance and diversity. It’s a remake of the 1979 hit “We Are Family” and is being distributed by the non-profit We Are Family Foundation.

Christian groups, however, are unleashing their (holy?) wrath on all of this tolerance and diversity nonsense and have 'outed' SpongeBob in a series of stinging attacks.

“A short step beneath the surface reveals that one of the differences being celebrated is homosexuality,” wrote Ed Vitagliano in an article for the American Family Association.

“It’s a pro-homosexual video,” claims Dr. James Dobson, founder of conservative Christian group Focus On The Family. “We see it as an insidious means by which this organisation is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids.” Interestingly, Dr. Dobson’s press spokesman admitted he’s not sure whether or not Dr. Dobson had seen the SpongeBob video, but "he has been briefed on it. "

SpongeBob was not available to comment on the rumour that he will be one of the hosts of the new series of “Queer Eye At The Fish Fry”. Anyway, judge for yourself when “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie” opens in UK cinemas tomorrow.

Now where’re my Captain Pugwash videos…