Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Suits You Madam

For those of you kind enough to enquire, I didn’t get the (Mc)job I interviewed for recently. (Dave – what the f#ck’s going on in that department?) I might have something else on the horizon soon so meantime I suppose I’m just going to have to spend the next few weeks playing golf, enjoying the summer weather, topping up my tan, making up stuff for the newspaper, making up stuff for the greatest website in the world, visiting my mental (in a good way) nephews (see below) and new niece, going to see Superman, watching ‘Why Don’t You’, riding my bike, building a rope swing, drinking lashings of ginger beer and solving spooky mysteries. Unemployment sucks.

When I stopped working last week – thanks to my employer’s benevolent act of setting me free from my current employment contract – I assumed I’d have to ask myself only three questions on a daily basis.

Q. Is it time to get up yet?
A. Go back to sleep and stop bugging me with stupid questions.

Q. Deal Or No Deal or Richard & Judy?
A. They’re on the same channel you moron but you’ll be smack bang in the middle of your afternoon nap by then so go back to sleep.

Q. Isn’t it about time you got yourself another job?
A. I refer you to the answer to question 1.

However, after receiving some gentle encouragement wrapped up as stellar parental guidance – “NEIL! Get up your no good, sorry ass outta that pit and start looking for a job, ya bum; and don’t even THINK of asking me for pocket money!” – my Career Development Strategy has evolved to the next level (i.e. I’m awake) and I’m now confronted with a multitude of different questions to consider.

These questions appear most frequently at the top of job adverts and are designed to grab your attention and draw you in without revealing anything close to the true nature of the vacancy. Some examples from last week alone include “Are you ready to take the next step?” (door to door sales), “Want to learn to fly?” (call centre sales) and “Interested in working away from home?” (overseas sales).

The opportunities to sell things appear to be many and varied if the tiny adverts at the back of the recruitment pages are anything to go by. Indeed, the companies seem so successful that it’s something of a surprise that they can’t afford bigger adverts.

“Do you want to work from home and earn up to £500k a year? Apply now at www.honestthisisnotapyramidscheme.com.”

The questions you really have to watch out for though are the ones designed to make you think that here is a job where you can, at last, unleash your full potential. (As I’ve mentioned on numerous occasions in the past, NO GOOD can come from unleashing your full potential. You just end up with a chaotic mess cos once it’s out, you can’t get it back in.)

At first glance, a question such as, “Do you want to work in a challenging environment?” sounds like it might be the stepping stone to that astronaut role you’ve coveted for so long. But if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll admit that nobody, least of all you, really wants to work in a “challenging” environment.

A prospective employer calling an environment “challenging” is tantamount to admitting that your days will be spent dealing with psychological horrors (or, “customers” as they’re sometimes known) that even war veterans would describe as “some seriously bad sh#t”. The rate of divorce, drug use and premature death among employees in “challenging” environments is higher than that among LA gang members. To be honest, even LA gang members get scared when they hear the word “challenging”, a fear portrayed so vividly in gangster rapper DJ Ice Snoop Cube Dawg's classic track ‘I Ain't Gonna Work In No Challenging Environment, Muthaf#cka’.

Anyway, you’ll be glad to learn that two vacancies caught my eye this week and I’m confident of getting interviews for both. The first is with the Secret Intelligence Service, MI6, who – I am not making this up - are quite openly looking for “Operational Officers” to work “overseas”. This seems like it might include an element of life-threatening peril so I’ve applied instead for the more gentile-sounding position of “Linguist”; the more cunning, the better, presumably.

The second vacancy is in a large department store in Edinburgh who seek “experienced individuals” to join – again, I am not making this up – their world class Bra Fitting Service Team. (Jeez, can you imagine the training for this job? Better still, can you imagine being the trainer?!?) Happily, they describe themselves as an “equal opportunities employer” so if you’ll excuse me, I must get on with completing my application; “…can operate clasp mechanism with one hand…”

Aforementioned mental (in a good way) nephews.


At 11/7/06 3:00 pm, Blogger The Other Half said...

neily, you never cease to make me chuckle...

you can do it with one hand? wow...

At 11/7/06 8:18 pm, Blogger Lena said...

Ah, Neil! Hard lines on the job front. I'm sure something else will come along.

Mind you, if Why Don't You IS still running these days, I'll have to get my youngest into that. It was part of compulsive viewing when I was a girl. Days off school ill consisted of settee, blanket, chicken soup and a daily dose of WDY!The things I've made from that show over the years is phenomenal! In fact - I should have opened a museum showing off all my WDY finery. It's still all in the attic you know!

One thing I am jealous of though, is your ability, as a natural blonde, to tan. I'm not very heat tolerant. It usually just flares red, flakes, occasionally blisters, then white. And it's my face that shows it the most! Honestly, if I had the nerve to holiday at a nudist beach, I'd be the only one walking around looking like an unused Swan Vesta.....

Anyhow, best be off. I'll keep viewing your blogs from time to time, Neil. I've faith in the fact that you'll be employed again soon. If not, just keep posting pics of the adorable kiddies to help pass the time.


At 12/7/06 2:38 pm, Anonymous wendi said...

as a matter of fact we DID have mexica

At 17/7/06 1:27 am, Blogger Green Glass Beads said...

Was just discussing why dont you as a matter of fact - having a nostalgic day what with monty python, withnail & i, spinal tap, father ted and zig and zag...

Enjoy your wedding....


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