And The Winner Is...

Last week I made the very rash promise that if anyone could tell me how to fix my computer I would ignore all restraining orders and come to their home to deliver a pizza as a show of gratitude for the pc-fixing advice. The suggestion that seemed to work best (for a while) came from my friend Andrew who said…

“For f#cks sake Edge. Where the f#ck is that f#cking golf report you promised me four f#cking weeks ago? Take a Dyson to your hard drive and get yer f#cking finger out. NOW!”

Later that evening - while Andrew was at his Tourette’s For Beginners class - I did as he suggested and everything seemed to be running smoother and sounding better. Next morning, the problems returned so I called a geeky guy whose ad I’d seen in a local directory. He turned up on Tuesday morning, tried a bit of tinkering, loaded a few disks, hummed and hawed a lot, did the hokey-cokey and then charged me £20 for the following stellar advice.

“I think your graphic card’s overheating which is causing your hard drive to freak out and shut down before it gets shafted in the showers as it’s bending down to pick up the soap,” he informed me as he snatched the money from my hands. “Then again, it might just be getting old and about to die for good. Have you backed up everything you need?”

“Yes, of course,” I lied, wondering what the hell he was talking about.

However, since yesterday, things seem to be running a bit better although I’m too scared to have the computer on for more than an hour at a time and keep expecting it to crash at any moment. I’ve even managed to do some of that fancy backing-up malarkey with those shiny cds and everything.

So Andrew, since your suggestion helped a bit, here is the stunning prize that’ll be winging its way to your flat/porn den in due course.

Now I know some of you are speculating that the combination of haggis and mozzarella cheese on a pizza may well be the most disgusting combination of flavours ever devised. And you know what? You are absolutely right. I had one last week and in the words of Monica’s Mom after she’s tasted Rachel’s Thanksgiving beef trifle (an episode I watched yesterday after my afternoon nap) IT DID NOT TASTE GOOD. But I’m sure you’ll love it Andy!

Oh, and I know some of you fine Americans have tasted and appreciated haggis but for the rest of you, let me just clarify that it is not a small animal that we hunt over here – hunting was banned several years ago so now they’re reared on specialist farms. And you thought the Discovery Channel was informative.