Tuesday, July 25, 2006

You Made A Woman Miaow?

First, a little background. Last Wednesday, the Daily Record (Scotland’s biggest selling daily newspaper. Just.) published the Sex Survey 2006, a poll made up of 90 questions designed to assess the state of the nation’s attitudes towards all* things sex-related. If you’re interested in contributing, there’s still a little time left to reveal all at their website although I had some trouble finding the exact page. If you find that to be the case, drop me an email instead with all your opinions and confessions and I promise to keep them strictly confidential. Honest.

*Excluding farm animals

So how are you getting on with the Sex Survey 2006 published in last Wednesday’s Record? Got to that tricky end section yet where Question 84 tests your powers of recall by asking you to cast your mind back over the years and do some tactful mathematical calculations? I don’t mind admitting that I had some trouble coming up with a final number, probably due to the fact that I was worn out after spending an hour answering the previous 83 questions. Mind you, now that I think about it, the cause of my fatigue might be more straightforward - it may well be the first time I’ve ever used the phrases “sex” and “an hour” in such close approximation.

Anyway, the answer I finally came up with was 35 - 44 but this was only arrived at after an emergency phone call to my mother.

Ring, Ring.
Mother: “Hello?”
Neil: “Hi Mum, its Neil.”
Mother: “Oh my goodness. It’s so good to hear from my eldest and most beautiful child. (I’m paraphrasing.) So your phone must be working again then?”
Neil: “Eh... no, my phone wasn’t broken.”
Mother: “In that case you must have been out constantly over the last few weeks looking for a job with no time to give me a call?”
Neil: “Yeah, something like that. Anyway listen, I’ve got a question for you.”
Mother: “How much do you need this time?”
Neil: “No, it’s not about money. I’m doing the Sex Survey 2006 in the Daily Record.”
Mother (after long silence): “Oh sweet Lord. I’ll get your father.”
Neil: “No, no, don’t bother with that, just hear me out. I’ve answered most of the questions but I’m stuck on number 84. I’m looking for an approximate number. Hello? Are you still there?”
Mother: “Yes, go on.”
Neil: “I think it should be more than 20 but I’m just not sure. The question says ‘Please indicate your age by ticking the appropriate box.’”
Mother: “Is that mental age or actual age?”
Neil: “Eh... actual, I think.”
Mother: “Well then dear, you’re 42.”
Neil: “Really? Are you sure? That seems a bit high. But if you say so. Thanks Mum. Speak to you soon.”
Mother: “I’ll be here. Holding my breath.”

The Sex Survey 2006 really will provide a comprehensive insight into the state of the nation’s sexual health with questions ranging from – WARNING: ADULT CONTENT AHEAD – “How good is your partner at foreplay?” (pretty good, but her backhand volley could do with a little work) to “What is an acceptable length of time before you can put your socks back on and leave?” I’m kidding of course; who in their right mind wastes time taking off their socks?

In all seriousness though, we definitely need to take a long, hard, penetrating look at what goes on behind closed doors in this country. As we plunge deeper and deeper into the 21st century, it will become increasingly important to keep a firm grasp on all these of issues. Only then will we have the informed wisdom to allow us to spread the gospel, missionary-like, for generations to come.

The climax, sorry, closing date of the survey is tomorrow and I, for one, await the results with eager anticipation. Sadly, it won’t include a definitive answer to the question that has baffled men since the dawn of time, namely “What is the most effective method to delay – how can I put this delicately – the fat lady from singing?” For my money, don’t bother about trying to calculate the square root of 69,837,215; just try and remember your age.


At 25/7/06 6:55 pm, Blogger Lena said...

I always avoid these kind of things. Bit of fun, a lot would say, but I wouldn't say.

Hell, I wasn't raised a good Catholic girl, or indeed am a prude, but I feel uncomfortable about these kinds of questions. I suppose the majority will lie to inflate their ego's. Mind you, it is the newspaper my husband 'disappears' to the loo with regularly. And here's me thinking he was flicking straight to 'Catch Of The Week' and drooling over the satin 10lb-er, that dangled from some-one's rod!
Yes,I do believe that for some men, fishing is better than sex.
Give me a survey on chocolate and I'l give you an HONEST answer.

At 26/7/06 11:22 am, Anonymous Lindsay said...

That's a bit cheap just putting your DR column in your blog. :P
Sorry, I'm just being cheeky. I was randomly googling things and found you, the man from the Daily Record!
I too was a Daily Record columnist back in the day. In fact, I do believe you took over my half-a-page-on-a-Tuesday, so I refused to read you for about a month. But I'm over that now, and I do enjoy your column.
So keep up the good work!

At 29/7/06 9:21 pm, Blogger Green Glass Beads said...

Hmm, all seems a bit catty in the comments selection today. And there was me thinking how it was nice of you to share your column (absolutely NO pun intended) with those of us who are abroad and sadly missed out....I always enjoy your mam's conversations with you. She sounds like a lovely woman.

At 31/7/06 12:51 pm, Blogger DC said...


Not cheap at all, but perhaps I am, as reading your column on this site saves having to buy " The Bestest Selling ......" on a Tuesday - it also means that I can avoid all the other shite in it.
Lets talk about sex baby - Hamish says that if it looks cute , or if in doubt, try and hump it.

It wouldn't be fair to Mr R. D. Grant of Glasgow to divulge the source of this quote in relation to his frantic sex life " Christmas and bithdays mate, ... Christmas and birthdays ....".



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