Thursday, July 27, 2006


My computer is sick and I don’t know what to do. Excessive drinking and staying up late doesn’t seem to help so I wondered if anyone else had any ideas. In the past week or so it has decided to let me work for a wee while (anything ranging from two hours down to two minutes) and then it just freezes completely. Nothing is operable, not the ‘Off’ switch on the white box-like thing that sits on the floor nor the keyboard, including the always-popular Ctrl, Alt, Del option. The only way I can get anything to happen is to unplug it and start again. And I’m pretty sure that can’t be doing it any good.

This I’m–Gonna-Freeze-And-F#ck-Up-Your-Day behaviour is pre-empted by a couple of grating noises (almost metallic in nature) from somewhere deep inside the white box-like thing that sits in the floor. On the advice of a friend (whose house I’ve broken into to type this while he’s on holiday) I have managed to run the System Restore option (I have Windows XP Home Edition) a couple of times but that doesn’t seem to have helped. Actually, it DID seem to help the first time but the problem then returned.

Other points to note:-
The computer is about six years old and I bought it from a company called Mesh.
I haven’t installed any new software or hardware for over a month.
I will never take the p#ss out of any computer geeks ever again.
I am unemployed and short of money.
I am scared to go to any kind of ‘official’ computer shop in case they laugh at me in the same manner as that old Not The Nine O’clock News sketch where Mel Smith tries to buy a new stereo and doesn’t know his amps from his volts.

If anyone has any (constructive) suggestions, I’d be much obliged. In return I have a good story about karma that I’ll regale you with over the weekend. Oh, and I will also put up an edible prize for anyone who has the solution. Just to underline how serious I am, the prize is a pizza. Did you get that? I am GIVING AWAY A PIZZA. I will even deliver it to your doorstep no matter where you are.

I will be breaking into this house again over the coming days to see if there are any replies. Many thanks in advance.


At 27/7/06 12:50 pm, Anonymous wendi said...

"I will even deliver it to your doorstep no matter where you are."

neily...if you want to visit houston all you have to do is ask...quit beating around the bush

At 27/7/06 5:45 pm, Anonymous Samantha from San Diego said...

The only things I can think of would be to delete your temporary internet files and refragment, although that wouldn't explain the noise you hear from the hard drive.

To refragment you files: double click on the "My Computer" icon. right click on "C: Drive". select properties. click the "tools" tab. select "defragment now" option. then click on the "defragment" or the "analyze" option. What this does is just basically refigure where on your hard drive the files are because when you open and re-open files, they sometimes get moved from being a rarely used file to a constantly used one.

To delete the temporary internet files (assuming you have internet explorer): open your browser (internet window). click the "tools" option at the very top of the window. select "internet options". then select to "delete cookies" (i know it doesn't SOUND like a good idea, but these aren't the good kind of cookies) or to "delete files".

These are basic trouble shooting tactics. If there's still a problem, I'd recommend facing your fears of the computer place. It's usually a lot easier for women as we can giggle and ask silly questions. That being said, maybe wear a dress or something to the shop.

P.S. I like mushrooms on my pizza. Thanks.

At 27/7/06 8:22 pm, Anonymous Andy said...

Edge - It might just be overheating, especially in this weather. Try ensuring any slots are dust free and even try taking the case off and attacking it (gently) with your Dyson. Then you never know we might just see the 2006 report!!!!

At 27/7/06 10:25 pm, Anonymous Hazel said...

My tactics
1 swear
2 discuss Big Brother with nearest colleague, hoping problem will go away by itself
3 swear on discovering persistence of problem
4 go shoe shopping
5 return with shoes, bubble bath and new knickers
6 see 3
7 select nearest hunky man
8 simper and compliment
9 result!
10 never let on you're supposed to be an IT professional

At 28/7/06 7:16 pm, Blogger DC said...


In the absence of anyone under the age of 20 sharing the same household - all young people know everything about computers - I have no suggestions other than switch it off, leave it for a bit & then switch it back on - do this repeatedly until you either collapse with exhaustion or totally loose the rag and throw it out the window.

I did ask Hamish - he wasn't too sure,
but thought trying to hump whatever this thing called computer was, might be worth a try.


At 29/7/06 12:05 pm, Blogger Neil said...

So which part of "constructive suggestions" did you all follow then? That's not quite fair because Samantha's suggestion worked out great - wearing a dress felt great. It pains me to say it but I think Andy's suggestion was right on the money. Spending two hours cleaning out six years of dust seems to have done the trick. Honest Blousie, it was like a scene from Juggernaut - me on my knees working away with my little cotton buds... Fallon Is The Champion!

At 29/7/06 7:48 pm, Blogger Lena said...

Ah, Neil, I can't offer any IT help but I can sympathise! Around the sixth year mark was when my old computer started to suffer from Lousybastarditis, and had to be put down and replaced.

Sadly I know this rules me out of any chance of a delivered pizza - but I know how frustrating computers can get! By the sounds of it, I'd try chucking the pizza into the actual machine itself, and shake it violently under a tirade of choice never know.

And we'll keep your 'burglarly' secret to ourselves - won't we?

At 30/7/06 2:04 pm, Blogger Neil said...

I spoke too soon... as a wise man once said, the f#cking f#cker's f#cking f#cked. Again!

At 30/7/06 4:27 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey there,

Your hard drive is about to fail or your machine has a serious virus, but my experience with the noise you're having means imminent hard drive failure. Here is more info on diagnosing and next steps:

Good luck!

At 30/7/06 4:31 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sorry -- the link truncated in last post:



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