One Time Only

Okay, hands up if you know what ‘tagging’ is? Or a ‘Meme’? Anyone? And no, I’m not talking to you blog people sitting down the front with your arms thrust impatiently in the air. I mean you people at the back… yes YOU boy, pretending to work but having a scratch with one hand and sipping your coffee with the other. Any ideas? No, I thought not. Honestly, if you spent as much time paying attention as you do playing with that filthy PSP-DS contrivance you’d have a chance of amounting to something more than a hill of beans in this crazy world. Now sit up straight and see me after class. And wear your gym gear.

So, a ‘Meme’ (pronounced – depending on who you talk to – either like ‘dream’ or ‘mem’ from ‘mem-ory’; although whenever I see it on a blog it sounds to me like ‘MEEEEEE MEEEEEE’) seems to be a kind of questionnaire of sorts designed to elicit the subject’s personal preferences and opinions on all manner of fun topics and in so doing will reveal previously unseen layers of their personality hidden away deep in the deepest depths of their unique and distinctive individuality. You know, stuff like…

What colour are you most like?
How do you like your eggs?
What’s your favourite breed of cat?
What songs do you like to crap/give birth to?
What 80s movie are you?
Chocolate or Vanilla?
Costa or Starbucks?
Han or Luke?
Lennon or McCartney?
Kylie or Danni?
Shampoo AND Conditioner?
When selecting a Post Editor Upgrade for your weekly blog redesign, do you advocate the Plug In-based models or is the old school Meta Beta Movable HTML Textile RSS Pingback Type more up your street?

Often, readers will stumble across a Meme on a blog and get very excited to the point where they just have to replicate it on their own blog and will leave a comment along the lines of, “I am so totally going to steal this.”

At this point, a word of warning: The use of the words ‘so’ and ‘totally’ is compulsory on the internet and their omission will lead to a violent and unannounced visit from the Blog Police. “There’s no place to run punk, so step away from the keyboard. Grab his mouse Frank. And frisk him for hidden Blackberrys while you’re at it.”

But not content with letting readers get excited all by themselves when they discover a Meme, some helpful Meme enthusiasts will force the issue by ‘tagging’ other blog people into following suit in the safe and secure knowledge that to shun such a privileged invitation will also ensure a friendly visit from the Blog Police.

The scurrilous use of tagging on the internet always makes me think of those chain emails which promise to make all your wishes come true PLUS a $15,000 gift from Microsoft – “Honest!” - as long as you forward the email to twenty friends within the next five minutes otherwise a plague of locusts will steal your first born in the middle of night and your crops will fail for the next seven years. Do these people think I’m stupid or what? I mean, who in their right mind has twenty friends?

Anyway, for the past two years I’ve successfully managed to avoid being tagged (probably because of my apathetic attitude towards using ‘so’ and ‘totally’) but last week Lesley decided to overlook my shortcomings and tagged me with the Meme…

are you ready for this?...

sure?...

Five Things About Me

Now I’m guessing here that what she actually meant was “Five Things About Me That You Don’t Already Know” (otherwise I’d just put ‘male’, ‘unemployed’, ‘piercing blue eyes’, ‘pizza’, & ‘CDs in alphabetical order’) to which my first reaction was, of course, “I am so totally not going to do that!” But then Lesley told me she had a whip and was not afraid to use it which, rather than holding the same ominous menace as the Blog Police, was actually a bit of a turn-on.

So, for one time and one time only, here are Ten Things About Me That You Don’t Already Know, only five of which are true.

1. I have never watched any episode of ‘The O.C.’, ‘CSI’, ‘Law & Order’, ‘Little Britain’, ‘Shameless’, ‘South Park’, ‘Nip Tuck’, ‘Spooks’, ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ or ‘Doctor Who’ (with David Tennant).

2. Before last year’s phenomenal box office success in Greyfriars Bobby, I played the role of Robert the Bruce in ‘Braveheart’ under a pseudonym.

3. I think Paul McCartney is INFINITELY more talented than John Lennon.

4. When I got married in Vegas, I didn’t realise that what happens there is supposed to stay there so as far as I know, Stella’s still doing three shows a night there with her pole.

5. I have 20/20 vision. (Or should that be hindsight?)

6. I have a spare toe on my left foot. (I say ‘spare’ but that doesn’t mean it’s available for rent so maybe I should just describe it as ‘additional’.)

7. I once wrote a letter to ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ asking if my school basketball team could so totally play against the Harlem Globetrotters. He never wrote back. The b#stard.

8. When I finally signed for the Globetrotters, I asked Meadowlark Lemon if he’d ever received the letter but he just shrugged and walked away whistling some annoying tune. Rude b#stard.

9. I started jogging this week.

10. I quit smoking this week.