Something For The Weekend 2

Continuing our regular quest to get my pal Dave some right good learnin’, we’re turning our cultural spotlight this week on to the world of movies. On Tuesday morning, my friend and neighbour Bruce sent me a text message which read something like…

“Wot u doin 2nite? Linda having burdz round so have need for 2 escape.”

After correcting his spelling and grammar, I suggested that perhaps we could go to the cinema. Bruce got quite excited at this prospect, not least because the last time we ventured to the movies we saw “A History Of Violence” and the gratuitous full frontal shot of Maria Bello sent his popcorn flying 10 rows forward. (In case you’re wondering, Maria has currently pushed herself into my top 5 and is wrestling tooth and nail in a big bath of mud with Gillian Anderson for the No.1 spot. I KNOW! I couldn’t believe it either!)

That may well be the last time Bruce actually went to the cinema because wife Linda has been pregnant now for some 33 months and I think he gets a bit embarrassed trying to squeeze her into the seats. Not to mention her fondness for thunderous farting without warning. (Actually, I should watch what I’m saying here because since I was Best Man at their wedding, I’m obviously first in line to be Godfather to their strapping young 3 year-old when he eventually arrives and I don’t want to jeopardise the chance of doing my Marlon Brando impression with marshmallows in my cheeks. “Fluffy bunnies…”)

Anyway, we decided we would go and see Mel Gibson’s latest, “Lethal Weapon IX Mullets Unleashed” but it was sold out so chose instead to see his most recent directorial effort, “Apocalypto”. While Bruce rushed off to stock up on popcorn and nachos with extra jalapenos, I started queuing for the tickets and was slightly distressed to note that the film was 2 hours, 20 minutes long. For a split second, it crossed my mind to just buy tickets for “The Last King Of Scotland” (starring GILLIAN ANDERSON!) because I knew Bruce would never know the difference. But I relented when I noticed how little clothing the actresses seemed to be wearing in the “Apocalypto” posters and was hopeful of seeing Bruce do his trick with the popcorn again.

To cut to the chase then (if indeed you’re still reading this out there Dave?) “Apocalypto” was brilliant and Bruce and I couldn’t believe that so much time had passed when it ended. Without giving away much of the plot (Hammy!), the film is set in the dying days of the Mayan civilisation in pre-Colombian America (i.e. the time before Peter Falk) where the village of a young hunter, Jaguar Paw, is raided and destroyed by bad ass Zero Wolf from the big city. Jaguar Paw and his pals Curl Nose and Blunted are captured and transported to the big city where they’re to be sacrificed but JP escapes and races backs to try and save his heavily pregnant wife Seven and his son Turtles Run from their hiding place, with Zero Wolf in hot pursuit.

The film is relentless, jaw-dropping, edge-of-your-seat stuff and has all of the usual Mel Gibson touches; the slow motion action sequences, buckets of blood and gore and subtitles to help you out with the ancient language, although I thought the scene where Jaguar Paw unleashes a drunken, anti-Semitic tirade on a mild-mannered traffic cop was a little out of place. That aside, I was gripped throughout and even Bruce’s constant belching – “these jalapenos are a right b#stard, but at least I’ll give Linda a run for her money in the farting stakes tonight” – couldn’t distract me from the action.

So Dave, I heartily recommend you take your lady friend to see “Apocalypto” this weekend. She may balk at some of the gorier scenes but one day when you’re married and sitting around wondering how to make a baby, it may help you out. Bruce has been desperately searching for a name for his forthcoming child and was so impressed with the villagers’ rituals that he’s decided to adopt the same method of name-choosing. Let’s just hope that the first thing he sees after the baby’s born is not Two Dogs F#cking.