Sunday, June 19, 2005

Never Mind The Protestors...

…here come the midges!

I’m beginning to think that the long, drawn out countdown to next month’s G8 summit at Gleneagles is bringing out the more playful side of newspaper reporting. Today’s edition of the Sunday Herald reveals that police in Scotland are to be issued with specialist equipment to do battle with their most formidable foe: the humble midge.

Midge n.
1. A variety of gnatlike fly usually found roaming in packs (with hooded tops and baseball caps, no doubt) in ALL major Scottish holiday destinations. Feeds heartily on human flesh; the paler and pastier, the better.
2. A little person; often found in 80s electronic bands with questionable moustache and receding hairline.

As part of a package of “morale-boosting” measures which include gallons of bottled water and 350 tubes of suncream (huh?), 450 tubes of insect repellant have been ordered for the 10,000 or so police officers involved in the G8 security operation.

These things are important,” said the Chief Constable in charge. “We have a whole batch on order. Wherever they are staying or deployed from they will be given water, suncream, midge repellant – whatever they need.”

I’d imagine that shorter shifts, body armour and a decent amount of holiday leave would be very welcome also.

With two full weeks still to go before all the shenanigans get under way, expect more of these whimsical reports to appear in the press. It must be the frustration of waiting for it all to kick off that’s making us slightly delirious. Either that or the blistering heat of our Scottish summer. Thank God we’ve ordered suncream.


At 20/6/05 5:38 am, Blogger carl said...

I do not know about the band part...but I've got the questionable moustache and receding hairline, so I fit well into #2.

At 22/6/05 1:28 pm, Blogger DC said...


Top Tip for Midge Repellant - a balaclava & cigarette smoke , proven to work in Glencoe.



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