Friday, December 16, 2005

The Party

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th December 2005
SUBJECT: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols so please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Marketing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

Merry Christmas to you and your family

Pauline


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th December 2005
SUBJECT: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our “Holiday Party”. The same policy applies to other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pauline


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th December 2005
SUBJECT: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table - you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore, now would you?!? How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange since the Union officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8th December 2005
SUBJECT: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, lesbians do not have to sit with gay men and each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - NO cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food so we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.

Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Pauline


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: 9th December 2005
SUBJECT: Fucking Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks - I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings too - they scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday. Drink, drive and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 12th December 2005
SUBJECT: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John

1 Comments:

At 28/12/05 8:31 pm, Blogger looby said...

Brilliant - that's the operfect counterblast to this Happy Holidays bollocks!

 

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