Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Casino Royale With Cheese

Have you ever munched on cheesy balls whilst facing down a heavily pregnant woman with a mouth full of muffin in a winner-takes-all, final hand of Texas Hold ‘Em after the rest of the sorry-ass players have folded like cheap hookers who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face? You HAVE? Well then, I don’t need to tell you how hard it is to work out if she’s bluffing or not (about the poker I mean; not about being pregnant). Man, those knocked-up women sure do have a lot of emotions flying about…

“…I’ll see your twenty and.. FOR F#CK SAKE WILL YOU STOP KICKING ME YA WEE SH#T.. and I’ll raise you another fifty.”

Anyway, such was the scenario last night as I stared stony-faced across the table at the glowing, radiant features of my poker nemesis. Cards were dealt, bets were raised, the flop was flopped, more betting, the turn was turned, yet more betting, the river was.. eh.. revealed, one last round of betting and then… dun, dun, dun… we couldn’t work out who had won.

The cards were as follows:

Neil: Jack & 3
Nemesis: 10 & 4
Community Cards: Queen, Jack, 10, 4 & 3

So we both end up with two pairs (if only guys, eh?) but did I win with a higher ‘first’ pair or did Nemesis win with a higher ‘last’ pair or should it have been a split pot? Luckily, Nemesis’s husband was tired and was pleading to go to his “beddy-baws” so we agreed to call it quits and resume battle again next week.

Now my competitive nature would never dream of antagonising a pregnant poker nemesis (unless she was fastened tight into the stirrups and couldn’t fight back) but if anyone could clarify whether or not I should be declared the rightful winner, I’d be much obliged. For my own peace of mind you understand.


At 16/11/06 9:32 am, Blogger DC said...


You won .


At 16/11/06 2:41 pm, Blogger Neil said...


Are you sure? It wasn't 'Snap' we were playing.


At 16/11/06 3:35 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You win, Jacks are highest.


At 16/11/06 9:37 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you know I won.. and who are you calling a big fat bloater!

At 16/11/06 11:54 pm, Blogger Neil said...

Oh sweet Lord, I've woken the beast!

At 17/11/06 9:18 am, Blogger DC said...

How did you manage to munch on cheesy balls with a mouthful of muffin - is that physically possible?

Also - is it troo that you still enjoy "Muffin the Mule"?

" Snap" - isn't that one of those complicated card games?

Warmest regards,


At 17/11/06 12:17 pm, Anonymous Not Delia said...

Was informed by the other 'sorry assed player' of your comments!

Just remember who's cooking next week (and obviously my reputation in the kitchen) and we will see who's sorry assed then.

At 19/11/06 2:39 am, Blogger Green Glass Beads said...

Highest pair wins. You remember playing shithead? You still unemployed and not visiting foreign lands where they speak klatsch and build towers of people in busy streets for the craic? A shame...

At 19/11/06 4:17 pm, Blogger Neil said...

DC - It's all food... and I can eating anything.

Ainsley - I can eat anything but it better be cooked!

Sai - But it wasn't poker we played. Yep, still unemployed so still guarding the pennies. If that changes in the next week or so I'll be looking to squeeze in a last minute trip or two before commencing work. Watch this space!


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