Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Bottom Scraping Barrel Of?

Due to a deadly cocktail of unemployment, limited finances and horrific laziness (fuelled by a crack-like addiction to daytime television) I haven’t found much to write about lately.

Unless, of course, you’d like to hear about how I single-handedly fixed the internal flush mechanism of my toilet last Friday after buying the parts, draining the cistern, utilising my new wrenches, adjusting the ballcock and controlling the flow? You do? Well it was pretty much as I’ve just described and I don’t mind telling you that when I finally finished, removed my hard hat and wiped my fevered brow, my dominant male tendencies craved a jumbo Yorkie Bar and a bottle of Bud. (2007 calendars of Neil & His Toolbelt available from December 1st. Order now to avoid disappointment.)

Anyway, I was chatting to my pal Dave “Poochie” Carruthers recently about this “lack of outputage” as he likes to call it (I’ll skip over the part of the conversation where he tried to tell me about IKEA’s scented candles) and being the good friend that he is, he promised to think up some subjects to write about. Yesterday he sent me an email which I have replicated below without editing.

A word of warning – some readers may find the subject matter a little offensive since it’s one of those taboo issues which everybody does and no-one likes to talk about. But b#llocks to that I say – what use is the internet if you can’t get these tough little nuggets out in the open for all to see and share.

Dear Edge,

Here is a tremendous subject for the blog…

What is the best tune in the world to wipe your backside to?

My reason for this question is that I noticed in one of the papers that you can get an iPod toilet roll holder which allows you to poo and listen to tunes. Seriously. It is called the iCarta and retails for about 54 quid. Think I saw it in the Daily Mail or something. Anyway, it got me thinking about what sort of music you would want to listen to when wiping. Nothing too slow or depressing and nothing to upbeat in case it caused vigorous wiping resulting in a finger-piercing-the-paper-moment. Never pleasant.

Cheers, Pooch

Well, it turns out that despite this article appearing in the Daily Mail, it is actually true and here’s what it looks like.

So I’ve given this matter a lot of thought in the last 24 hours and my top vote for the best tune in the world to wipe your backside to is…

“What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye.

The pace of the song is just perfect (come to think of it, the pace of this song is perfect for a lot of things!!) and if you’re occupying your seat long enough to listen to the whole album, track 6 – “Mercy Mercy Me” – is also a prime candidate.

So cheers for that Dave. You certainly know how to put the Poo in Poochie.

And now it’s over to you. Which tune/tunes get your vote?


At 19/9/06 8:28 pm, Blogger Lesley said...

Couldn't possibly comment. I'm a woman and our bottoms are purely decorative.

At 19/9/06 8:30 pm, Blogger Neil said...

...and what lovely decorations they make.

At 20/9/06 12:16 am, Blogger The Other Half said...

women don't do that neily

At 20/9/06 10:56 am, Blogger Neil said...

Yes, I realise that you call up hundreds of heavenly scented toilet fairies to "take care of your business" but still... which tunes would you like to hear while you're "being serviced"?

At 20/9/06 3:17 pm, Anonymous Samantha said...

...I guess this is the sort of commenting you get with all women readers, eh?

At 20/9/06 4:50 pm, Blogger The Other Half said...

would JT's "i'm bringin sexy back" be fitting? ha ha

At 20/9/06 8:01 pm, Blogger Lena said...

Well, I think it's important that music plays a huge part of every day life, and find that myself and my family could function toilet-wise to these tunes:

1. Waterloo - ABBA.
2. It's Just A Little Flush - JENNIFER PAIGE.
3. It Takes (number) Two's Baby - MARVIN GAYE & KIM WESTON.
4. Mission Impossible Theme - LALO SCHIFRIN.
5. The Arsefelt World - SUEDE.
6. Splashion - David Bowie.
7. That'll Bi(the)det - Buddy Holly.
8. The Hardest Part - BLONDIE.
9. Wipeout - THE BEACH BOYS.
10. Mr Hankey - MR HANKEY (seasonal).

That iPOD toilet roll holder would be fitted proudly beside my Anais Anais, I can tell you! What a spankingly good idea......


At 20/9/06 11:43 pm, Blogger Neil said...

See? That wasn't so difficult now, was it? Buddy Holly - genius! And Justin Timberwolf also!

Lesley? Samantha?

At 21/9/06 3:22 pm, Anonymous Samantha said...

neil, how are we supposed to compete with that? obviously lena's done something like this before.

At 21/9/06 4:11 pm, Blogger Stuart Sutherland said...

Drop the bomb - Trouble Funk
Release the pressure - Leftfield
Free your mind and your ass will follow - Funkadelic

Three totally great tracks byrraway.


At 21/9/06 7:32 pm, Blogger Lena said...

I swear this is THEE only toilet-based song list I have compiled. Apart from here, I wouldn't know where else I would be asked such refined questions....!

At 21/9/06 8:31 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Signed, Sealed, Delivered - Stevie Wonder.

Music's equivalent of Swiss Army Knife. Works at wedding and work's when taking a dump. Trust me, I've tried.


At 21/9/06 11:34 pm, Blogger Green Glass Beads said...

Off the top o' me head, how about:
1.Right Here's the Spot -Basement Jaxx
2.One Hit Wonder - Everclear
3.Comin' Down - Meat Puppets
4. Five minutes Alone - Pantera
5.Break Like The Wind/Stinkin Up the Great Outdoors - Spinal Tap
6. Together - William Shatner
7. Tomb of the Boom - Outkast
and for a distinctly Scottish flavour, 8. Push It by Garbage...

I know it's disorganised but yeesh, I'm in a rush!
P.S I worry about DC and I don't even know him!

At 21/9/06 11:38 pm, Blogger Neil said...

Wow! This delicate subject sure has "unloaded" a lively debate. Next week's burning toilet topic (NOT the one with the chicken vindaloo) will be "Shampoo AND Conditioner?" Discuss.

And a "big up shout out" to my cool brothers and their music - Stuart with the cutting edge and Keithy with the classics. Right then, I'm off to spin some Kenny G on the turntable while I have my bubble bath.

At 22/9/06 8:18 pm, Blogger Lesley said...

Actually, I was rooting for anything by Jobbie Williams.

At 22/9/06 9:47 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When nature calls, I could answer with:

10. Here Comes the Sun (du du du du) - The Beatles
9. Solid (As A Rock) - Ashford & Simpson
8. Roll With It - Steve Winwood
7. Things That Make You Go Hmmm - C&C Music Factory
6. Bust A Move - Young MC
5. Relax - Frankie Goes to Hollywood
4. Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac
3. Pressure - Billy Joel
2. Big Hunk O'Love - Elvis Presley
1. Danger Zone - Kenny LOGGins

bottoms up!


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