Bottom Scraping Barrel Of?

Due to a deadly cocktail of unemployment, limited finances and horrific laziness (fuelled by a crack-like addiction to daytime television) I haven’t found much to write about lately.

Unless, of course, you’d like to hear about how I single-handedly fixed the internal flush mechanism of my toilet last Friday after buying the parts, draining the cistern, utilising my new wrenches, adjusting the ballcock and controlling the flow? You do? Well it was pretty much as I’ve just described and I don’t mind telling you that when I finally finished, removed my hard hat and wiped my fevered brow, my dominant male tendencies craved a jumbo Yorkie Bar and a bottle of Bud. (2007 calendars of Neil & His Toolbelt available from December 1st. Order now to avoid disappointment.)

Anyway, I was chatting to my pal Dave “Poochie” Carruthers recently about this “lack of outputage” as he likes to call it (I’ll skip over the part of the conversation where he tried to tell me about IKEA’s scented candles) and being the good friend that he is, he promised to think up some subjects to write about. Yesterday he sent me an email which I have replicated below without editing.

A word of warning – some readers may find the subject matter a little offensive since it’s one of those taboo issues which everybody does and no-one likes to talk about. But b#llocks to that I say – what use is the internet if you can’t get these tough little nuggets out in the open for all to see and share.

Dear Edge,

Here is a tremendous subject for the blog…

What is the best tune in the world to wipe your backside to?

My reason for this question is that I noticed in one of the papers that you can get an iPod toilet roll holder which allows you to poo and listen to tunes. Seriously. It is called the iCarta and retails for about 54 quid. Think I saw it in the Daily Mail or something. Anyway, it got me thinking about what sort of music you would want to listen to when wiping. Nothing too slow or depressing and nothing to upbeat in case it caused vigorous wiping resulting in a finger-piercing-the-paper-moment. Never pleasant.

Cheers, Pooch

Well, it turns out that despite this article appearing in the Daily Mail, it is actually true and here’s what it looks like.

So I’ve given this matter a lot of thought in the last 24 hours and my top vote for the best tune in the world to wipe your backside to is…

“What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye.

The pace of the song is just perfect (come to think of it, the pace of this song is perfect for a lot of things!!) and if you’re occupying your seat long enough to listen to the whole album, track 6 – “Mercy Mercy Me” – is also a prime candidate.

So cheers for that Dave. You certainly know how to put the Poo in Poochie.

And now it’s over to you. Which tune/tunes get your vote?