Friday, September 15, 2006

Question Of The Day

If a tree falls in a forest…

…and there’s no-one around to hear it…

…will IKEA eventually turn it into a lovely occasional table?

No seriously, the question is more sombre than that.

Is it possible to go to IKEA and NOT buy anything? Have you ever seen anyone just pass casually through the checkouts with NOTHING to show for their 5 mile walk?

Okay, so that was two questions, but I’ve been to IKEA twice in the past couple of weeks (once to buy photo frames and then again to buy more photo frames) and I’m starting to think that the giant fans in the ceiling of their warehouse emit special Obligatory Consumer Purchase Death Rays. Mark my words, those Swedes are f#cking crafty! Mamma Mia!

So there I was with my photo frames (during the first visit) and I pass one of those big bargain buckets filled with something or other. Peering in, I see millions of shoe trees and before I know it I’ve grabbed a couple of pairs for my golf shoes. BECAUSE THEY’RE ONLY 69 PENCE!! Then I notice some desperately thin and flaky looking place mats (for all those lavish dinner parties I throw) and remembering that I couldn’t find my Star Trek ones last time I actually sat at the table to eat, I’ve snatched half a dozen. BECAUSE THEY’RE ONLY 59 PENCE!!

I’ll briefly mention that I also got a Desk Pen Holder for a slightly pricey £1.59 because if I dwell too much on the Shangri-La that is the Office Organising & Storage Department, I think I might just pee my pants.

With laden arms I approached the checkout eager to get home and rearrange my home to look like every other household in the country. And it’s only after a stiff internal conversation that I become aware of the presence of the Obligatory Consumer Purchase Death Rays.

Neil: “Ooooooooh look! Pot Pourri! That’ll go nice in a bowl somewhere.”
Neil: “C’mon let’s just go. And besides, you don’t own a bowl.”
Neil: “But look. It’s ONLY 39 PENCE A PACKET!!”
Neil: “But it’s Pot F#CKING POURRI!!” *SLAP*
Neil: “Thanks Neil, I needed that.”

I was lucky enough to come to my senses in time but others nearing the checkout area had obviously been captured by the tractor beam of desperation; that mad search to grab some kind of impulse purchase so as not to emerge empty handed into the daylight. And by my reckoning, the number one Obligatory Consumer Purchase, as dictated by the Death Rays, appeared to be multiple packs of four candles*.

One of the other many great things about IKEA of course is the endless supply of free pencils and measuring tapes. The pencils in particular are great if, like me, you’re a golfer and require a lot of lead to count up your score. But steal enough of them and you can start your own IKEA with an exciting range of personally designed furniture.

So without further ado, I’m delighted to give you a sneak preview of a lovely occasional table from my new Penkil range of quality home made furniture. (Photo not to scale.)

The tables can be made to order in various sizes and colours so drop me a line with your requirements by September 30th to ensure home delivery in time for Christmas.

*NOT handles for forks.


At 15/9/06 5:51 pm, Anonymous Samantha said...

...does it come in blue?

At 15/9/06 6:33 pm, Blogger Neil said...

Of course! Specifically, it comes in Hawaiian Aquamarine, Azure Fusion and, of course, Scottish Navy.

At 15/9/06 7:23 pm, Blogger Lesley said...

Yes but how long does it take to put together once you get it? I've never bought any item of furniture that took less than two weeks to assemble (with multiple trips back and forth for the missing bits).
(You obviously forgot to insert the magic ray emitting button on the blog)

At 15/9/06 7:54 pm, Blogger Lena said...

Oh, Neil, you never fail to make me laugh!

But on a serious note - I'll have a Penkil bedside cabinet, in any colour, with a little drawer to keep my pencil's in, please!


At 16/9/06 2:50 pm, Blogger The Other Half said...

i think i've only ever bought ONE thing from ikea...sorry neily..but i go there all the time and never buy anything

At 19/9/06 8:06 am, Anonymous deborah said...

The trick is to walk the five miles in the opposite direction to everyone else ... then you can come away, admittedly with various unwanted objects, with the feeling you are not one of the herd.

I must have picked up those pencils and tapemeasures every time, but where are they now?

Here in Bordeaux it is Obligatory Visit Once A Week Death Rays emitted from the roof of their oh so lovely bright blue and yellow building. It really works and their is a fascinating corner by the check out counters (where the, mostly, girls are all so bored with faces like fiddles and ne'er a smile and where you queue for longer than it takes to walk the five miles) full of cut price, shop soiled and broken down stuff which is even more irresistible than pot pourri.

Without IKEA I would probably be able to walk round this house without tripping over ..... hum, I need some of those jolly cardboard boxes, so useful for 'rangement' (tidying up and putting away) ... time to go for a quick shop.


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