On Your Marks...

As promised on Wednesday, today sees the launch of an Exciting New Development which, if I’m totally honest, is neither ‘new’ (I tried it once before here) nor ‘a development’ since, as I’ve just mentioned, I tried it once before and it’ll probably be the same old guff as the last time.

However, with global warming extending the golf season right up to Christmas – thereby dulling any incentive I might have to find gainful employment – I’ve decided I need a project; a concentrated effort of concentration and determination to keep my eye on the ball and my mind active and alert and… Wow! Did you see the boobies on display on Aerobics Oz Style this morning? Man, those Sheilas are supple… sorry, what was I saying again? Oh yeah, a disciplined project and an active mind to stave off the inevitable onset of Whatshisnames Disease.

So, starting on Sunday I’m once again going to attempt to write/post/wantonly steal something for this blog every day for a whole calendar month which will make a grand total of… eh… “30 days hath September, April, June and the other one…” 31 consecutive days.

Amongst others, popular feature “Whit’s THAT Aw Aboot” will make a welcome return to analyse and dissect the important news items of the month. For example, we may take an in-depth look at why the world’s first penis transplant (I am not making this up!) did not go as planned recently in China. Something to do with the challenges facing those running the donor recruitment scheme perhaps?

We’ll also take a penetrating look at the world of popular culture with news, reviews and big name interviews and I thought it might be fun to perhaps dedicate one day a week to a list of some sort; something like Top Ten World Religions – “...and brand new this week, the Mormons cast out the Moslems from the No.5 slot” – might spark a lively debate.

Those of you who blog effortlessly every day have probably sighed, tutted and long since disappeared by now but for you other two readers, I really need some help with all this or else I’ll end up back in my bed for extensive napping before you can say “no-good, has-been, never-was layabout”. So please, if you think of any subject matter – big or small – on which you’d like to hear my glib and uninformed opinion, why not leave me a comment or send your suggestion to “It’s A Moo Point” at neil@neilwritestheworld.com

Time then to pull on your stretchable lycra and lace up your Nikes for this blogathon (that’s ‘blog’ + ‘marathon’, gettit?) and let’s see how far we get. Meantime, I’m going back to bed to catch up on my reading...

Pick 'N Mix

This is just a quick tidy up of bits and pieces to break up a busy week of golf, napping, job hunting, golf, tax returns and listening to the new Shawn Colvin album. (Kat – Your copy is in the post as we speak!!!) If you’re looking for something more substantial, come back and visit on Friday when the announcement of an EXCITING NEW DEVELOPMENT will be formally announced. (Before you ask, it has nothing to do with job acquisition, girlfriends, pizza, lottery wins or Middle East peace.)

So meantime, entertain yourself with the following fascinating facts, amusing links, answered queries and such like and so forth…

1. It is impossible to lick your elbows.

2. With Christmas nearly upon us, it’ll soon be time to wile away your office hours playing games on the internet. (Remember last year when you tried to avoid being caught spanking your penguin?) So courtesy of my pal Dave, here’s a little game to kick off the festive season whereby you try and steer a drunken man home to safety. How appropriate.

3. In the olden days of yore, I used to have another website which was built by my genius brother Stuart (STILL available for all manner of freelance design work) and it contained direct contact details. That website is currently “undergoing reconstruction” (although Stuart seems to think it’s more important at the moment that he fulfil his obligations as a baby-making machine) so since Deborah brought up the issue the other day, you can contact me using neil@neilwritestheworld.com if you ever feel the urge. (Stay tuned - this may assume more importance on Friday. Then again, it may not.)

4. Deborah also asked about my thoughts surrounding golf, golfers and last weekend’s stunning Ryder Cup success in Ireland. To be honest, there are just too many great moments to mention but Darren Clark’s arrival on the first tee on Friday and his finale on the 16th green on Sunday w.. w.. w.. was.. *gulp* sorry, I seem to have something in my eye…

5. Over 75% of people who read this, will try to lick their elbows.

Shhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Closed for the Ryder Cup. Back next week…

…although just a quick word to say that if you watched the opening ceremony yesterday and admired the diplomacy of the Sky Sports presenters in stifling their giggles, this BBC blog sums up the whole thing rather nicely.

Bottom Scraping Barrel Of?

Due to a deadly cocktail of unemployment, limited finances and horrific laziness (fuelled by a crack-like addiction to daytime television) I haven’t found much to write about lately.

Unless, of course, you’d like to hear about how I single-handedly fixed the internal flush mechanism of my toilet last Friday after buying the parts, draining the cistern, utilising my new wrenches, adjusting the ballcock and controlling the flow? You do? Well it was pretty much as I’ve just described and I don’t mind telling you that when I finally finished, removed my hard hat and wiped my fevered brow, my dominant male tendencies craved a jumbo Yorkie Bar and a bottle of Bud. (2007 calendars of Neil & His Toolbelt available from December 1st. Order now to avoid disappointment.)

Anyway, I was chatting to my pal Dave “Poochie” Carruthers recently about this “lack of outputage” as he likes to call it (I’ll skip over the part of the conversation where he tried to tell me about IKEA’s scented candles) and being the good friend that he is, he promised to think up some subjects to write about. Yesterday he sent me an email which I have replicated below without editing.

A word of warning – some readers may find the subject matter a little offensive since it’s one of those taboo issues which everybody does and no-one likes to talk about. But b#llocks to that I say – what use is the internet if you can’t get these tough little nuggets out in the open for all to see and share.

Dear Edge,

Here is a tremendous subject for the blog…

What is the best tune in the world to wipe your backside to?

My reason for this question is that I noticed in one of the papers that you can get an iPod toilet roll holder which allows you to poo and listen to tunes. Seriously. It is called the iCarta and retails for about 54 quid. Think I saw it in the Daily Mail or something. Anyway, it got me thinking about what sort of music you would want to listen to when wiping. Nothing too slow or depressing and nothing to upbeat in case it caused vigorous wiping resulting in a finger-piercing-the-paper-moment. Never pleasant.

Cheers, Pooch

Well, it turns out that despite this article appearing in the Daily Mail, it is actually true and here’s what it looks like.

So I’ve given this matter a lot of thought in the last 24 hours and my top vote for the best tune in the world to wipe your backside to is…

“What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye.

The pace of the song is just perfect (come to think of it, the pace of this song is perfect for a lot of things!!) and if you’re occupying your seat long enough to listen to the whole album, track 6 – “Mercy Mercy Me” – is also a prime candidate.

So cheers for that Dave. You certainly know how to put the Poo in Poochie.

And now it’s over to you. Which tune/tunes get your vote?

Question Of The Day

If a tree falls in a forest…

…and there’s no-one around to hear it…

…will IKEA eventually turn it into a lovely occasional table?

No seriously, the question is more sombre than that.

Is it possible to go to IKEA and NOT buy anything? Have you ever seen anyone just pass casually through the checkouts with NOTHING to show for their 5 mile walk?

Okay, so that was two questions, but I’ve been to IKEA twice in the past couple of weeks (once to buy photo frames and then again to buy more photo frames) and I’m starting to think that the giant fans in the ceiling of their warehouse emit special Obligatory Consumer Purchase Death Rays. Mark my words, those Swedes are f#cking crafty! Mamma Mia!

So there I was with my photo frames (during the first visit) and I pass one of those big bargain buckets filled with something or other. Peering in, I see millions of shoe trees and before I know it I’ve grabbed a couple of pairs for my golf shoes. BECAUSE THEY’RE ONLY 69 PENCE!! Then I notice some desperately thin and flaky looking place mats (for all those lavish dinner parties I throw) and remembering that I couldn’t find my Star Trek ones last time I actually sat at the table to eat, I’ve snatched half a dozen. BECAUSE THEY’RE ONLY 59 PENCE!!

I’ll briefly mention that I also got a Desk Pen Holder for a slightly pricey £1.59 because if I dwell too much on the Shangri-La that is the Office Organising & Storage Department, I think I might just pee my pants.

With laden arms I approached the checkout eager to get home and rearrange my home to look like every other household in the country. And it’s only after a stiff internal conversation that I become aware of the presence of the Obligatory Consumer Purchase Death Rays.

Neil: “Ooooooooh look! Pot Pourri! That’ll go nice in a bowl somewhere.”
Neil: “C’mon let’s just go. And besides, you don’t own a bowl.”
Neil: “But look. It’s ONLY 39 PENCE A PACKET!!”
Neil: “But it’s Pot F#CKING POURRI!!” *SLAP*
Neil: “Thanks Neil, I needed that.”

I was lucky enough to come to my senses in time but others nearing the checkout area had obviously been captured by the tractor beam of desperation; that mad search to grab some kind of impulse purchase so as not to emerge empty handed into the daylight. And by my reckoning, the number one Obligatory Consumer Purchase, as dictated by the Death Rays, appeared to be multiple packs of four candles*.

One of the other many great things about IKEA of course is the endless supply of free pencils and measuring tapes. The pencils in particular are great if, like me, you’re a golfer and require a lot of lead to count up your score. But steal enough of them and you can start your own IKEA with an exciting range of personally designed furniture.

So without further ado, I’m delighted to give you a sneak preview of a lovely occasional table from my new Penkil range of quality home made furniture. (Photo not to scale.)

The tables can be made to order in various sizes and colours so drop me a line with your requirements by September 30th to ensure home delivery in time for Christmas.


*NOT handles for forks.

What's The Secret?

Right boys, grab a hold of your paper and pencils (or your Personal Handheld Filofax Blacktooth Blueberry SatNav PDA Reminder thingys if you’re that way inclined) ‘cause you’re gonna want to remember this stellar advice surrounding the mysterious and (too?) often impenetrable world of male/female relations.

Some of you, no doubt, are convinced that the secret is to go out and splash a lot of your hard-earned cash on top notch jewellery or flowers or fragrant fragrances. This is fine, up to a point, but sooner or later she’s gonna wonder why you’re wearing a tiara and smell like a fresh summer meadow.

An alternative approach would be to try and impress her with your (tall?) tales of derring-do and precarious international travel…

“You heard right babe, I arrived at the remote paradise island WITHOUT HAVING PRE-BOOKED ANY ACCOMMODATION!”

…but there’s only a limited amount of mileage to be gained from telling the blah-blah bungy jump story for the umpteenth time.

So forget of all that bollocks and concentrate instead on the things that matter to HER. The talent for listening, I’ve discovered, is a key element in getting the results you want. You might also want to try ‘mirroring’ which is the fine art of looking at your own beautiful face in reflective glass all day because you don’t have a job to go to… eh no, hang on a minute, that’s a different kind of activity.

‘Mirroring” means using well trained body language to reflect and complement the moves and sounds of the person with whom you’re communicating. If she crosses her legs, go ahead and do the same. If she tells a joke, pretend it’s funny and laugh along with her. And if she sticks her finger up her nose for a right good ‘pick’, feel free to do likewise.

Remove any anxiety about “having to look cool all the time” and face up to the fact that this may often take you out of your comfort zone. Practice and hone these key behavioural skills and THAT, my friends, IS HOW YOU GET A GIRL TO SMILE.

See?

Life Is Sweet

When you’re unemployed, with few prospects for the future, and little things like monthly hygiene and cleanliness fall by the wayside, inevitably you look to your family for moral support and hard currency to get you through the endless hours of watching daytime television. Even the smallest of genuine gestures can raise your spirits and revitalise your lust for life, cementing the belief that you’re not just another brick in the wall or a cry in the dark.

So when I received an email from a valued family member yesterday – she’ll just get embarrassed if I name her – with suggestions to sharpen up my wardrobe, I don’t mind admitting I got a little choked and misty-eyed at all the love flowing from her prose. Thanks Kathie, I will cherish your thoughts always.

Click on these underlined words and YOU TOO can enhance your wardrobe.

Meantime, here are ten other things I did this week.

1. Went to see a very funny film called “Thank You For Smoking” and was dying for a fag when I came out… of the cinema… not the closet.

2. Wrote a 4,500 word report for the greatest website in the world which contained shocking language and will make absolutely no sense to anyone who wasn’t there.

3. Had a fierce debate about who was the foxiest chick (I’m paraphrasing) on “thirty something”, currently being repeated daily on More 4. So who did it for you – Hope? Nancy? Melissa? Ellyn? Janey?

4. Sold something on eBay for the first time. And no, it wasn’t my priceless collection of Police badges from the 80s. (Photo to follow)

5. Finished a novel (without pop-up pictures) for the first time in about five years. It was called “Skinny Dip” and came highly recommended by a friend. I thought the ending was crap.

6. – 10. Em… looks like I only did 5 things this week.